Self Destructive Emotional Eating…

6 Comments

I am an emotional eater. Not as bad as how I was before but still bad. This weekend I traveled North for an consultation with my oral surgeon (yay jaw surgery coming up in the near future), but I also went up to see my mom. She has been going through a hard time since my dad passed away and hasn’t been making such great choices (alienating people, causing unneeded stresses and worries, spending money when she is not getting any sort of income in…). So I was hoping to help ease her mind and have a nice weekend. This did not happen. I should add my mom is also bi-polar and has some extreme ups and downs. On Saturday, we ended up spending 5+ hours in the ER, mostly because she just wanted a professional to talk to (I tried to talk her out of it, but it just did not happen). Nothing ended up being accomplished and we are pretty much back at square one. Also, my mom hardly eats anything. Her fridge is pretty much empty except for a half gallon of skim milk, half n half, and soda. She has a lot of candy hanging around. Her meals are all ate out, and she only has one meal a day. And not to mention, the whole atmosphere of the apartment is just absolutely draining. I hardly ate anything as well that whole entire weekend and I was going on very little sleep (she had me up most of the night of Friday/morning of Saturday). I did not have any candy. I ate the healthy snacks I brought up with me. I also did not drink much water (I didn’t realize just how gross the water is up there. Next time, bringing my own water as well).

But it was an emotional weekend. I have been trying to get my mom to move closer and I am hoping after this weekend, she finally will. That way I will not have to drive 3 hours every time she gets panicked. I was so excited to come back home, but at the same time, felt guilty leaving my mom. Yet my presence really did not seem to have made much of a difference anyway.

As soon as I came home, that is when the self-destructive started. 1. I know I was dehydrated so I drank a lot of water so that was not bad (the weekend itself was bad for my system in that regard). 2. As soon as I walked through the door, I was STARVING.

I ended up eating a turkey breast sandwich on a wheat sub roll with tomato, lettuce and a pickle. I waited for a half hour and was still hungry. My fiance had made some delicious chili over the weekend, so I ended up having a bowl of that. With low-fat sour cream (because I thought I deserved it… seriously). Then I napped. That should have been all my calories for the day. I was not hungry after that but I could feel the gap of emotion made from guilt and stress and the urge to fill with food.

I had an alcoholic drink. I ate homemade potato chips with ranch (so good!) and though they would have been fine in moderation, I just did not have the will power to stop. I ate pass my fill and then some. I wanted so much to fill that hole, even though I know I was just making a new one. I also ate a couple Hershey Kisses.

What is worse is I do this every time. Every time I go away for the weekend and see my mom, I come home and rebound badly. First time, it was a high-caloric meal at Chili’s. Now it was just me wanting to eat everything in sight. Things that I could control but my willpower is just gone. I feel as if I deserve to eat everything because the weekend was tough. Why? Why do I think that? That little inner fat kid is saying all this food will make me feel better, and I just do not have the willpower to say no…

I am not awesome yet. I have not combated all my food demons. I wish I could say that I was well on my way to being a recovering food addict, but I am not.

The scale this morning was not kind, and on top of that, I still feel the need to eat really bad comfort foods. I know for a fact that it will not make me feel better, but a tiny voice in my head says “DO IT. DO IT”

This will not become a habit. I am not going to destroy everything I worked so hard for. I had a bowl of Kashi cereal this morning. I am planning on having an egg white souffle with roasted vegetables for lunch, and then for dinner, I am allowing myself a comfort food — sushi. As long as I plan it right and do not have any sake with it, I should be OK.

Unfortunately, I have to head back up North this weekend. Luckily, the fiance is going with me this time for some added support. But does any one have ideas on how not to rebound when we get home?

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6 thoughts on “Self Destructive Emotional Eating…

  1. Oh, wow, you have a lot on your plate! However, I think you are missing the fact that you are doing better with the “aftermath” each time you see your mother (or at least each time you’ve talked about here). You can’t expect perfection every time–you can only learn from your actions each time and try to improve them for the next.

    • I need a serving tray! I get to go rescue my mom’s dog today. The stress is definitely showing up on the scale… I really hope once things settle…it will get back under control.

  2. I agree with the other commenter – you can’t expect perfection every time – we are all works in progress. BUT bringing more food with you so you don’t have to rely just on snacks while you are visiting would be good. Or plan to go to the grocery store when you first arrive to your mother’s apartment so you have fresh healthy food options.

    I think you also have to realize that only you have the power to control you. No matter what, you can not control the people around you no matter how much you wish you could. So just know that the things you can control are things like what you are going to eat, how you are going to allow your self to feel, etc..even though it’s hard. Is there something else that comforts you or gets your mind off your visits? I know it sounds crazy, but if you enjoy shopping or a hike or something like that – make that part of your de-stress plan instead of turning to food. But a big part of not craving all the bad for you foods will be eating regularly while you are visiting, even if that means a bit more pre-planning!

    • I really wish I could control other people… at least my mom! It would make my life a little bit easier. But I really need to let it go and know that I just need to be there to pick up the pieces.

      Definitely going to do some more pre-planning… it is a little difficult since she has no dishes or anything to cook with. I was able to bring up a microwave last time so I could at least heat up some food. YAY!

  3. The great thing about this post is that it is pure honesty. You’re not hiding yourself behind a smile and lies. You’re saying, “look, I have a lot going on, this is how I handle it, and I want to do something about it.” Many people will never get to that point because they are scared or don’t know how. You are now looking at the things in your life in a way that will make you stronger because you are learning more about yourself and that will help you in so many ways. You are awesome, strong, and doing what works for you. Never mind the things you can’t change or change right away and just focus on keeping yourself healthy. You’re doing an awesome job. Thirty-six pounds? WHOOOOOOHOOOOOOO!

    • Thank you! It’s really hard… I don’t want to be one of those people that pretend life is always great…but I want to motivate people who are going through hard times and know it is still possible to have crappy stuff happen, but know crappy stuff does not equal crappy person and you can still be healthy and heading towards awesomeness! =) and I am so excited! 36 pounds…I sometimes still can’t believe it, but I am at the point where I am like “I am actually doing this. This can be done.” =D

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