(Post title quote by Marcus Valerius Martialis).
When I gained weight, my personality changed drastically. I have always been a really shy girl until I finally get to know people then I become a little crazy and silly (more silly, less crazy… I hope!) I talk more and am not afraid to share my ideas whether or not they are the most outrageous ideas in the world. Then slowly, the weight started to come on and with each pound, it felt like a brick falling on my personality. When I had been at a normal, healthy weight, my mom still criticized me a lot (the same one that would make me comfort food and such…). She would tell me the boys teased me because of my weight, and if I was skinnier, they would like me. She used this excuse for pretty much everything. “You would have more friends if you were thin.” “You can go far in life if you lost another 20 pounds…” (Another 20 pounds would have put me in the low 100’s and not a healthy weight for my 5’6 height). These words only made me eat more when I made it to college. Food was my comfort, but as my jeans felt a little tighter and I had to go up in sizes… guilt ate away at my insides, and I started to lose myself.
I became the girl that was just a shadow at pretty much every gathering. I just liked to listen and watch but never really contributed to the conversation. I did not want to draw attention to myself. My creativity vanished. I became very plain and boring. My insides reflected my outsides. My outsides reflected my insides. It was a vicious cycle, and I hated every minute. I avoided hanging out as much as possible, especially if it involved going out into public. I wore mostly sweatpants, pjs, and shirts that I got in plastic packages in the Men section of Wal*Mart. It was really bad. Self-esteem? What’s that?
Since losing over 30 pounds, I am finally stepping up and taking pride in who I am. I am starting to feel more alive than I have ever felt. My personality is starting to shine a little bit more. My fiance has started complimenting on how happy I look. I can see it now when I look in the mirror. In my face, I see pride where I used to see shame. This weight loss journey is not just a physical transformation but a psychological one too. You have to have self-love if you wish to succeed in making your goals a reality, because without that self-love, what’s really going to make these changes permanent? A lot of people go into weight loss thinking once they reach their goal weight, that is when you will find happiness. I believe if you are not finding happiness and joy along the way, you aren’t going to find it when you reach your goal weight either.
I can say without a doubt that despite the roller coaster of emotions that have been this week, I am happy. I am in a lot happier place mentally than I have ever been my whole entire life. And last night, when everyone got together to celebrate a friend getting into Vet school (even though that means she will be moving far away …) , I said yes. And I got dressed up for it!
Then while we were out for dinner (I was very good and got very plain shredded chicken tacos and did not eat any of my rice), I was not afraid to get a little silly and have some fun.
30 pounds ago, there would not be any pictures because I would not be happy with any of them and would delete them. I still have a long way to go before I reach my goal weight, but I am happy because I am making those steps to become healthier. I can look at myself and now be like “YEAH! That’s the girl that kicks ass” instead of “Ugh, that’s the lazy girl that eats too much.”
Finally, I am not afraid to live today.