I have a lot of issues, not gonna lie. My willpower absolutely sucks when I am sad and all I crave is chocolate. Right now, I am doing my best to stick to my no sugar goal because it would really stink to make it to the second to last day and throw all my hard work out the window. But it is a struggle. I would love to munch on some candy and plop my butt down in front of the TV or play WOW (yes, I am one of those) for twelve hours straight. Even though it is gorgeous outside and I should be soaking up some rays and running around the block
screaming singing “Here Comes the Sun,” but plain and simple, I just don’t want to. I am not really feeling the whole exercise thing today. I know that’s bad. I know I should just get off my butt and do it… and maybe I will. Maybe I will feel guilty enough that I just cannot stand it anymore. We shall see.
One of the big contributors to this mood is… Father’s Day. Well it isn’t the day itself that is the problem because I think it is an awesome day to spend with your dad. I mean you shouldn’t only use the day to spend with your Dad… you should spend as much time with your dad as much as possible because it sucks when they are gone. And that’s the problem. My dad is gone. Ok, I am sure some of you are going to be like “Correction, he is smiling down at you right now. He is always there.” I get it. I do. But the thing is… I don’t want him smiling down at me. I want him here. I want him beating my ass at card games. I want him giving me advice even when I don’t ask for it and think I know everything when I definitely do not. I miss just sitting on the couch and watching movies with him and getting pissed off when he predicted the ending after just 10 minutes. He was always the best thing about going home. I never went to my parents’ house. I went for my dad. I know… this is where I sound like an absolutely terrible person.
I cannot stand my mom. Ok, well I can stand her to a degree… but my patience with her has definitely dwindled over the past years. She is just an absolute emotional vampire that sucks out your life force…. A visit with her leaves me feeling absolutely drained and exhausted. As soon as one little detail in her life goes awry, she falls apart. This was before my dad even passed away and he was alive and well… so I don’t need to hear any “cut her some slack, her husband passed away.” I spend a lot of energy trying to build her up and make her happy, but it is something that needs to be constantly done on a daily basis. She does not want to reach out to other people… I have tried to help her make friends…and at the same time, I know it will be really hard to be friends with her, because she is one of those friends who doesn’t give anything emotionally back. Unless you want to feel sad and drained… if that is your goal and life, hang out with my mom. I know I sound really mean… but it’s true. There’s a reason why no one else was jumping up at the opportunity to take her in… and now here I am. The one who stepped up because I do feel bad. She is bi-polar and pretty delusional, living in her own scary world where people are monsters. She’s like a 3-year old with money in her pocket and a terrible 2-pack a day smoking habit. She can’t be alone for long because she just does not have to take care of herself. Her biggest dream in life? To live with me and my fiance.
Right now, she lives right up the street. Before that, she lived 3 hours away. Regardless of the distance, she calls me two to three times a day to ask me “What’s new?” Nothing. My life is not that exciting for new things to be happening ALL THE TIME. Despite being able to see me more frequently and totally drain me more often, it is not enough for her. She always says how happy she will finally be once she lives in the same house as me. Where she claims she will do all these wonderful things for us but I know she won’t. Maybe for the first week or two. But I have heard the promises before… and seen them break within a month. She doesn’t take care of her own place now so I don’t see why it would make a difference… I do not want to have to be looking over her shoulder and supervising… I want to be starting my own family… but I am afraid I won’t even have the energy for that.
I am struggling. My dad was such a strong man to put up with her. I wish I knew how he did it. I don’t blame him for having a drink of scotch every night before bed. I have been fighting the urge to drink more myself. I cannot gain all the weight back, and it is really hard to do when the person who drove me to seek comfort in food is living 5 minutes up the street from me. I have so much anger and I absolutely hate it. I feel like such an awful person all the time because I am the person who has very little patience for her recently widowed mom.
I am not sure how I am going to do this. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. All I know is that I really need to find some peace in my heart.
And this is why I am blessed with some amazing friends because I don’t know where I would be without them.