Trying to Find Peace of Heart…

18 Comments

I have a lot of issues, not gonna lie. My willpower absolutely sucks when I am sad and all I crave is chocolate. Right now, I am doing my best to stick to my no sugar goal because it would really stink to make it to the second to last day and throw all my hard work out the window. But it is a struggle. I would love to munch on some candy and plop my butt down in front of the TV or play WOW (yes, I am one of those) for twelve hours straight. Even though it is gorgeous outside and I should be soaking up some rays and running around the block screaming singing “Here Comes the Sun,” but plain and simple, I just don’t want to. I am not really feeling the whole exercise thing today. I know that’s bad. I know I should just get off my butt and do it… and maybe I will. Maybe I will feel guilty enough that I just cannot stand it anymore. We shall see.

One of the big contributors to this mood is… Father’s Day. Well it isn’t the day itself that is the problem because I think it is an awesome day to spend with your dad. I mean you shouldn’t only use the day to spend with your Dad… you should spend as much time with your dad as much as possible because it sucks when they are gone. And that’s the problem. My dad is gone. Ok, I am sure some of you are going to be like “Correction, he is smiling down at you right now. He is always there.” I get it. I do. But the thing is… I don’t want him smiling down at me. I want him here. I want him beating my ass at card games. I want him giving me advice even when I don’t ask for it and think I know everything when I definitely do not. I miss just sitting on the couch and watching movies with him and getting pissed off when he predicted the ending after just 10 minutes. He was always the best thing about going home. I never went to my parents’ house. I went for my dad. I know… this is where I sound like an absolutely terrible person.

I cannot stand my mom. Ok, well I can stand her to a degree… but my patience with her has definitely dwindled over the past years. She is just an absolute emotional vampire that sucks out your life force…. A visit with her leaves me feeling absolutely drained and exhausted. As soon as one little detail in her life goes awry, she falls apart. This was before my dad even passed away and he was alive and well… so I don’t need to hear any “cut her some slack, her husband passed away.” I spend a lot of energy trying to build her up and make her happy, but it is something that needs to be constantly done on a daily basis. She does not want to reach out to other people… I have tried to help her make friends…and at the same time, I know it will be really hard to be friends with her, because she is one of those friends who doesn’t give anything emotionally back. Unless you want to feel sad and drained… if that is your goal and life, hang out with my mom. I know I sound really mean… but it’s true. There’s a reason why no one else was jumping up at the opportunity to take her in… and now here I am. The one who stepped up because I do feel bad. She is bi-polar and pretty delusional, living in her own scary world where people are monsters. She’s like a 3-year old with money in her pocket and a terrible 2-pack a day smoking habit. She can’t be alone for long because she just does not have to take care of herself. Her biggest dream in life? To live with me and my fiance.

Right now, she lives right up the street. Before that, she lived 3 hours away. Regardless of the distance, she calls me two to three times a day to ask me “What’s new?” Nothing. My life is not that exciting for new things to be happening ALL THE TIME. Despite being able to see me more frequently and totally drain me more often, it is not enough for her. She always says how happy she will finally be once she lives in the same house as me. Where she claims she will do all these wonderful things for us but I know she won’t. Maybe for the first week or two. But I have heard the promises before… and seen them break within a month. She doesn’t take care of her own place now so I don’t see why it would make a difference… I do not want to have to be looking over her shoulder and supervising… I want to be starting my own family… but I am afraid I won’t even have the energy for that.

I am struggling. My dad was such a strong man to put up with her. I wish I knew how he did it. I don’t blame him for having a drink of scotch every night before bed. I have been fighting the urge to drink more myself.Ā  I cannot gain all the weight back, and it is really hard to do when the person who drove me to seek comfort in food is living 5 minutes up the street from me. I have so much anger and I absolutely hate it. I feel like such an awful person all the time because I am the person who has very little patience for her recently widowed mom.

I am not sure how I am going to do this. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. All I know is that I really need to find some peace in my heart.

And this is why I am blessed with some amazing friends because I don’t know where I would be without them.

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18 thoughts on “Trying to Find Peace of Heart…

  1. It’s bad enough that you have to put up with her, but don’t feel guilty for having REAL JUSTIFIED feelings about your Mom. It’s important to address those feelings as soon as possible. Before she does live with us, we’re going to have to be serious and firm with her about our concerns. We can’t play along with her fantasy world EVER.

    this was a very good venting post… get it out! Don’t let that stuff fester inside and make you feel yucky. Love you baby – you’ll never be alone so long as I am around and if I remember our agreement correctly, you don’t have to worry about that happening.

    • Thanks… I know, I am my own worse enemy… I am really glad I am never alone in the situation. I don’t know if I would make it without your solid awesomeness!

  2. My heart is going out to u right now. I don’t think you are a terrible person, I once had someone in my life who drained all my happiness and it was exhausting. You have to be so strong and not let her drive u back to bad decision making. Is she in a place where she would benefit from some outside help? Sometimes its better to seek profession help vs. You trying to do everything. You can’t do it all and u shouldn’t feel badly about that. *hugs* I hope u can find the motivation to do one nice thing for u today!

    • Thank you so much for your sweet comment! My mom does get professional help, but she is really good at manipulating the doctors to say what she wants them to say. Its definitely good for her to talk to someone… but she refuses to think of assisted living or anything…like she refuses to think about being independent and that just kinda sucks. haha I was able to have a nice night last night and that really helped a lot. =D And I also made an appointment to see a therapist myself.

  3. Cassy, you are doing so good! Keep up the will power! I know you can do it!
    I find blogging extremely therapeutic and venting, and I assume you do too. About your mom, there is something she has to teach you! Maybe patience, maybe setting boundaries, loving yourself regardless of her opinion, or I don’t know. What I do know is that everything we experience in life is to help us grow and become better human beings. As one fellow blogger told me: Everything is the way it should be. Now, if your dad passed away and your relationship with your mom is corroded, maybe this is a chance to reach out to her, or draw the line for good? Think about what she is here to teach you because as long as you don’t learn the lesson, it will keep appearing in different ways in your life.
    Just don’t let it get to you and ruin what you are doing for yourself šŸ˜‰

    • Thanks, Erika! And blogging is definitely therapeutic. I love being able to pour out my soul and get some good advice. =D I have definitely learned a lot from my mom over the years…but I am not quite sure what to do at this point…maybe I need to better work on my patience… it used to be really strong but it has gotten weaker over time.

      Thanks for the feedback. I really appreciate the kind words and advice!

  4. *big hugs* I feel for you.
    My dad is alive and well, but he’s with his “new” family and I rarely ever hear from him, no matter how much effort I make on my part. (I have a half brother that’s in 2nd grade. I’m 32!) So while I can’t possibly understand how you feel 100%, I do understand why Fathers Day is a bummer. I’m focusing on my husband now, so that helps distract me from thoughts of my own dad.

    I wish I knew what to say about your mom. I don’t think letting her move in sounds like a good idea whatsoever. Maybe talk her into going for walks with you. Even just a light walk around the neighborhood can do a world of good for someone battling depression (that would be both of you, right?!).

    I hope you find some peace.

    • Eeep, I think that might even be worse? Having them be alive but not being able to really see them in a fatherly light. Or maybe it allows for more closure? I don’t know. It just really sounds like it sucks… we are currently doing things to honor my dad… we planted some flowers today since he loved gardening and went and played mini golf since he loved golfing but I really suck at it. haha
      My mom isn’t a huge walker… but she is trying to get better and quit smoking. I just find her company a bit draining most of the time :/ But I am going to get therapy so I can better cope with it.

  5. I’d love to give you a big fitfam hug right now. I am glad that you had a chance to vent. Just do your best to deal with her and Father’s Day and everything else. In no way do your feelings make you a bad person. Just keep your eye on the prize and put the chocolate down! I am rooting for you!

    • Thanks! I am doing my best… I ended up eating a little bit more than I should have yesterday… but I am doing a lot better today! =D

  6. I just want to say that I think you are a very brave person to put all this out here in the open! I have said it before and I’ll say it again….I obviously don’t know you very well, but from what I’ve read I think you are a very strong person. I think you have a really positive outlook, your posts always make me smile šŸ™‚ Your feelings are your feelings….period. You are not mean or a bad person…at all. All you can do is keep moving forward. All you can ever do is your best. That’s all anyone can do.

    • It was really hard but I needed to vent… and this emotional roller coaster is the whole reason I gained weight to begin with… so it was definitely something I needed to address. I really appreciate your sweet comment! I will be getting some therapy though so this doesn’t turn into a complete venting blog and everyone runs away in fear!

  7. Keep doing awesome, and don’t be hard on yourself. My mom’s mom (my grandma which I hate even admitting) sounds exactly like this. Stay strong!

  8. I am one of those lucky people who’s had a pretty good family life. Sure I went through that “I hate my parents” teenage bs stage, but they’re pretty amazing.

    Though i may not fully understand, I’ve always thought of good family relationships as an incredibly rare thing. You do not choose your family, and you cannot count on getting along by DNA alone. And that’s okay.

    My husband’s father isn’t involved in his life, and he’s tried many times to get his dad to at least TALK to him. I can’t really imagine what it’s like to have a parent reject you, what could a child have done wrong.

    But hopefully you don’t feel guilty for not getting along with your mother, or that what feeling is wrong. You can try to make things work, but in the end if she doesn’t want it to work, or you don’t want to, that’s okay.

      • haha Good thing I am not a normal person. :p I am the same exact way… really bad social anxiety! So much easier to just type things out rather than say them…

    • It makes me sad that normal family structures are just disappearing… and I am trying really hard not to feel guilty about my feelings… but sometimes I am just so torn about what I should feel and what I do feel… or what I should be doing…Ugh! Frustrating!

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