The past week or so has been a roller coaster of emotion, and it has been hard to feel motivated to write so sorry for the lack of blog posts here and there. Yesterday was a very busy day. I started the day horseback riding, came home and showered, had a quick lunch which consisted of leftover ribs from Sunday, and then headed off to my first therapy appointment. It was not my first one ever… but it was my first one at this new place. I admit it… I definitely needed it. I was losing my happiness because I was finding it very hard to get some perspective and felt like I was on a sinking ship. I still feel like I am on a sinking ship but at least now I have someone on board that can help steer me to shallow waters. It was mostly just a question and answer session as she learned about the reasons why I was there and a little bit about my history. The part I needed to hear the most was the fact that we were going to come up with a plan so my mom did not force me to buy a house and then move in. Thank goodness for that! But unfortunately I have to wait until next week until I can learn more about this plan and really start connecting more… and it is proving to be tough.
I am starting to gain a little bit more voice. My happiness matters too. I cannot control anyone’s happiness but my own, and I should not be responsible for anyone’s happiness but my own. This is something I need to be reminded of often. If my mom wants to be unhappy, then that is her choice and not one I can change. I should know by now that my presence and hard work is short lived in her mind. I should not waste my energy trying to keep her happy for 5 minutes at a time. She refuses to live in the present, but that is something that I am trying to do a lot more of now. Since I have started on this weight loss journey, I have changed a lot. I have taken more control of my life and have been trying to do a lot better with living in the moment instead of spending all my energy worrying. I am looking for opportunities to become a better person, and I cannot do it if I am totally drained from just talking to my mom and getting weighed down by her unhappiness.
The only thing I can control is myself.
That’s a tough phrase there. It actually pains me to know that is all I can control. I am not in control of anything else but myself. I am the only one who can help me lose weight. I am the only one who can determine how I feel. I can move my arms, my legs, and think with my own mind… but I have no control over the other movements and choices other people make. This is my life.
And in my life, I want to be a fit, healthy woman. I want to be spontaneous, fun and not afraid to get a little silly. In my life, I buy a house when the fiance and I are ready and no sooner than that. In my life, I dream big without worrying about the consequences. I dream because I can.
I have done a lot of changing physically and mentally, but there is still a lot more changing to do.
Tomorrow I will talk more about hiking and weight loss… but today, I just needed to do some mental unwinding. I have a feeling the next few months are going to be challenging… but I am ready for it.
I can do this.