Getting Perspective and Gaining Voice…

17 Comments

The past week or so has been a roller coaster of emotion, and it has been hard to feel motivated to write so sorry for the lack of blog posts here and there. Yesterday was a very busy day. I started the day horseback riding, came home and showered, had a quick lunch which consisted of leftover ribs from Sunday, and then headed off to my first therapy appointment. It was not my first one ever… but it was my first one at this new place. I admit it… I definitely needed it. I was losing my happiness because I was finding it very hard to get some perspective and felt like I was on a sinking ship. I still feel like I am on a sinking ship but at least now I have someone on board that can help steer me to shallow waters. It was mostly just a question and answer session as she learned about the reasons why I was there and a little bit about my history. The part I needed to hear the most was the fact that we were going to come up with a plan so my mom did not force me to buy a house and then move in. Thank goodness for that! But unfortunately I have to wait until next week until I can learn more about this plan and really start connecting more… and it is proving to be tough.

I am starting to gain a little bit more voice. My happiness matters too. I cannot control anyone’s happiness but my own, and I should not be responsible for anyone’s happiness but my own. This is something I need to be reminded of often. If my mom wants to be unhappy, then that is her choice and not one I can change. I should know by now that my presence and hard work is short lived in her mind. I should not waste my energy trying to keep her happy for 5 minutes at a time. She refuses to live in the present, but that is something that I am trying to do a lot more of now. Since I have started on this weight loss journey, I have changed a lot. I have taken more control of my life and have been trying to do a lot better with living in the moment instead of spending all my energy worrying. I am looking for opportunities to become a better person, and I cannot do it if I am totally drained from just talking to my mom and getting weighed down by her unhappiness.

The only thing I can control is myself.

That’s a tough phrase there. It actually pains me to know that is all I can control. I am not in control of anything else but myself. I am the only one who can help me lose weight. I am the only one who can determine how I feel. I can move my arms, my legs, and think with my own mind… but I have no control over the other movements and choices other people make. This is my life.

And in my life, I want to be a fit, healthy woman. I want to be spontaneous, fun and not afraid to get a little silly. In my life, I buy a house when the fiance and I are ready and no sooner than that. In my life, I dream big without worrying about the consequences. I dream because I can.

I have done a lot of changing physically and mentally, but there is still a lot more changing to do.

Balancing on Top of a Mountain… made possible because I decided to change.

 

Tomorrow I will talk more about hiking and weight loss… but today, I just needed to do some mental unwinding. I have a feeling the next few months are going to be challenging… but I am ready for it.

I can do this.

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17 thoughts on “Getting Perspective and Gaining Voice…

    • Thanks! I am working on my attitude. :p It’s a lot better than it used to be… but I sometimes feel the urge to fall into old habits.

    • haha well at least you said swimming and not “sitting on the couch and watch TV” lol I am really enjoying hiking. The views are just gorgeous and it really tests my fear of heights. What’s hiking without almost having a panic attack, right?

      • Agreed. Me and my girlfriend are trying to do it more. It’s good for you (except when my knees hurt), and it’s free and so beautiful. Can’t argue with any of those.

      • Exactly. =D And yeah… I thinking go down is a lot harder on the knees than going up! Just take lots of breaks and enjoy nature…

  1. I hear ya! This last few weeks has been really hard on me as well and it just wears you away inside. “I will not let my job and traffic effect my quality of life!!!”
    On the mom thing, my mom used to tell me, put some make up on, why don’t you exercise… So translation: your fat and ugly! Thanks mom. So I tried and tried exercising… Then I gave up and though, it’s not worth all this pain! Then she said, why’d you stop, it was working? Ugh!!! But now, I want to wear makeup, cuz I’m getting old…yes, 31 IS old(er)…. And I want to exercise, but now I’m stuck cuz I’m exhausted and in pain everyday… I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired! Must…find…enjoyable…easy…exercises… I’m thinking yoga will be it. Pilates made me bulk up too much. I need more stretches anyway…has anyone lost significant weight on yoga?!? (I’m lookin to lose 10 lbs).

    • Ugh. Moms…. My mom was the same way too even when I was at a good weight! She totally messed me up… and it was really hard to remember to just love myself. It doesn’t matter how she sees me… it matters how I see and feel.

      And you can definitely lose weight on yoga! There is so many different kinds! =D So I definitely think it is do-able. If you don’t mind work out DVDs, I would recommend Bob Harper’s Yoga Workout.

      • The cardio one looks alot like the Pop Pilates I did on YouTube. That girl Cassie is ENDLESS! “Just 10 more!”…after doing about 100. :-p
        The stretch one looks good. πŸ™‚ thanks. I hate cheesy workouts so I’ve been wanting a good instructor.

      • I can definitely see getting annoyed by that… I have always really liked Jillian Michaels… but that’s just me! haha

  2. Great post πŸ™‚ It takes most people, like me, a very long time to realize these things, to reach out for help…It’s so great that you are on that path now πŸ™‚

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