The Fourth and Beyond…


Hello Everyone!

I hope for those that celebrated the 4th yesterday had an awesome time! Yesterday I broke a lot of “goals” but I am not ashamed. I mean I sort of figured that would happen anyway. Come on. It’s a holiday. I am not going to take time to blog when I am surrounded by awesome friends and playing Dirty Minds, ok? Just not going to happen. So yesterday was pretty much a complete day off from exercise — though I did go horseback riding! And thank goodness for that because I ended up going a little crazy on the food and drink (though I was still under calories, say what?!) But I did not do my work out DVD or running and probably a good thing too. My legs were feel a little rubbery! Ooops. Been full pedal to the metal since Friday so that’s quite a few work outs in a row! Today I am back on track, though. I am going to be running here in a bit and then going to proceed to do my 30 Day Shred and then go horseback riding this evening. I definitely missed working out, yesterday! It is kind of crazy how my mood varies with the amount of exercise I do. Of course, I have sort of been in a funk all week.

As some of you may know, I started therapy a few weeks ago to work on my anger and stress. I also struggle with being co-dependent where I cannot truly function unless I know my mom is being taken cared of and depression (yay). So my mind basically needs a total overhaul and reteaching so I can stop being the freaking parent in any situation I am in. Which I realized yesterday, I do. When other people are cutting loose and even if I try cutting loose with a drink or two, I cannot do it if other people are more laid back and carefree than I am. I all of a sudden go into “observing/make sure everyone is going to be ok” mode. And it sucks. Suck. Suck. Suck. I end up feeling moody and distant… and it is because of me. All because I do not know how to relax with other people. I can relax when I know people are going to look out for me (which is another weird thing… why can’t I just let things be?) but I have been taught at such a young age to be responsible and to take care of people around you. I have been taking care of my mom for so long that it just now applies to all areas of my life. Then I start feeling angry about it because I just do not know yet how to change. I know therapy is going to help, and I am super excited for that. Treatment plan is in motion. I need to be able to be that 22 – 23 year old girl and not just be a grown up. I need to remember what it is like to not have to worry about everyone else. Because I cannot do it anymore, it overwhelms me.

So that are some of the things that I am going through… and my mind is kind of feeling a little like goo. A part of me just wants to be silly and act like a kid, but I am just not sure how anymore. What do I do?

Anyway enough with being down. Going to kick some physical butt today!


3 thoughts on “The Fourth and Beyond…

  1. Wow Cassy, I am really impressed with how much you have gone through and how much you are doing for yourself. It takes a lot of guts and motivation to try to make big changes in your life, and a lot of people just can’t find it in them to do it. One of my very good friends just recently started going to counseling, and I think it’s such a huge accomplishment to know that you are needing guidance and to actually go seek it. You should be so proud of yourself!

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