Dear Inspiration…

13 Comments

Midnight strikes in silence with no celebration of

another day gone and passed. It’s a similar sensation

in this ongoing transformation, no sounds of screaming

and laughs. My mind has become like a ghost town

without much thought and considerations – constantly traveling

down a foggy road without clearly seeing the destination.

I wonder what sort of things I have been missing,

or if I am even missing or if they are things I shouldn’t be seeing,

anyway.

 

I long for starlight and perfection,

the twinkling of joy and accomplishment,

but how do I find these obscure notions

without having a notion of where I am right now?

Is changing enough of a celebration? Then why do I crave more?

Maybe I don’t even know what I am looking for.

 

If I strain to hear, perhaps I can hear the gentle ticking

of time passing by, ever so slowly, for the rest of my life.

I’d rather watch the change in constellations,

but in the fog, I would take anything,

anything to say I am not alone.

(Bet you guys didn’t know I was a poet)

 I have been feeling in a fog lately. Having a hard time connecting with my own emotions. Am I the only one that sometimes feel like they are just observing life around them but not really participating in it? I have no idea why I get into these funks. I am going to blame my foot injury, because everyone knows the foot is directly connected to the brain. Yup, that makes sense. I think a part of it is the fact that I am just getting by right now. My husbands business is really picking up, and though I help him out occasionally, he has basically given me this time to do whatever I want before I go back to school to pursue the things that actually interest me (yay nutrition!), but it makes me feel really guilty. Then I am also supposed to be technically on rest and having my feet up and trying to relax so my foot can recover, but I definitely do not like this. I am so used to being on the go all the time and I definitely long for the buzz that I get after a really strenuous work out (especially running which I unfortunately probably won’t be doing for awhile! Ugh). Yes, I am being a bit whiny right now. Like I said in my earlier post yesterday, I am stuck in this sort of waiting period until things start rolling. I just need something that gives me some feeling of accomplishment.

In other news, I had another salad today for lunch. 2 out of 7 days now! Boo yah! I broiled chicken for the first time ever, and it really turned out absolutely delicious!

295 Calories. 4oz broiled chicken with sesame teriyaki sauce, lettuce, spinach, broccoli sprouts, shredded carrot, red onion and green pepper with a low calorie sesame ginger dressing.

I definitely think I am struggling a bit with depression. I feel like my hormone levels are just barely balanced when I exercise and what not, so when I cut back on exercising, I quickly get overwhelmed? I am not 100 percent sure and definitely will have to talk it out with the therapist. I don’t understand why I feel like I constantly need to be doing something. If I am not doing something that I deem productive, I automatically feel like a waste of space and I am just wasting time. This is one of the things I really need to address in this journey to awesomehood — finding that balance between nothingness and too muchness.

One thing I know is that this feeling won’t last forever. I will overcome this. I always do.

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13 thoughts on “Dear Inspiration…

  1. We are all fluctuating hormonal bags of meat, who are generally all over the place emotionally. Some people just hide it better! I bawled for no reason when I watched Ellen earlier. True story.

    Did you know intelligent people are more likely to be depressed and/or be alcoholic? There’s been studies!

    I wish I was someone that could just convince myself of something and have it be that. Like “salad is the most amazing thing ever and I want to eat it 3 meals a day and LOVE it”

    There is place for introspection, but there is also such thing as over analysing oneself. We are victims of suggestion my friend.

    • haha yeah I wish I was better at hiding things! Sometimes I am very good at it, but then some times it just explodes in my face… and I don’t know, Ellen can be very cry worthy!

      And thanks, that’s a good excuse. I am just too smart to handle my emotions!

      Also, it would be very nice to be able to convince ourselves of such things. Or just “be healthy and positive” and wha-la! Fixed!

  2. I feel ya, sister! I definitely go through those stages from time to time. I feel like I’m in the middle of one. The important thing, as you said, is knowing that we have had them before and we’ve overcome them. Remember that there are some rough patches and how we deal with them and thrive through, defines us. Hang in there, thanks for sharing this. You are not alone and you are not a bit less awesome for going through this. You are an inspiration to lots of us, don’t forget that! You’ve achieved and will keep achieving so much!
    Lots of love and light your way, dear Cassy.

    • Thanks for your comment, Erika! It is definitely tough when you have such crazy ups and downs, and then you almost feel guilty for being down after being positive for awhile. I definitely really love this community! It has helped me grow a lot!

      • The community is just amazing! I am in love with blogging mainly because of it :). By the way, there’s an award thingy on my blog granting your awesomeness!

  3. Wow, that was truly an awesome poem – I really enjoyed it, especially the imagery 🙂 I wish I could help you feel better… but you’re such a bright, positive person that I’m sure this is just a temporary thing… but if there’s anything I can do to help, please let me know 🙂

  4. I totally get feeling sad..I am in a funk this week as well! My job keeps me busy and distracted during the day but when I get home..blah..I hope your feet gets better soon and that feel much brighter!
    BTW Ginger dressing is teh bomb! That looks once again incredibly tasty!

    • Yeah I think a part of it is that I have been super busy this summer, and now I am on foot rest, and not as busy… and my mind is just sort of all over the place… and it always wanders down shady alleyways even though I tell it not to! And my mind gets a little beat up and bruised. haha

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