Midnight strikes in silence with no celebration of
another day gone and passed. It’s a similar sensation
in this ongoing transformation, no sounds of screaming
and laughs. My mind has become like a ghost town
without much thought and considerations – constantly traveling
down a foggy road without clearly seeing the destination.
I wonder what sort of things I have been missing,
or if I am even missing or if they are things I shouldn’t be seeing,
I long for starlight and perfection,
the twinkling of joy and accomplishment,
but how do I find these obscure notions
without having a notion of where I am right now?
Is changing enough of a celebration? Then why do I crave more?
Maybe I don’t even know what I am looking for.
If I strain to hear, perhaps I can hear the gentle ticking
of time passing by, ever so slowly, for the rest of my life.
I’d rather watch the change in constellations,
but in the fog, I would take anything,
anything to say I am not alone.
(Bet you guys didn’t know I was a poet)
I have been feeling in a fog lately. Having a hard time connecting with my own emotions. Am I the only one that sometimes feel like they are just observing life around them but not really participating in it? I have no idea why I get into these funks. I am going to blame my foot injury, because everyone knows the foot is directly connected to the brain. Yup, that makes sense. I think a part of it is the fact that I am just getting by right now. My husbands business is really picking up, and though I help him out occasionally, he has basically given me this time to do whatever I want before I go back to school to pursue the things that actually interest me (yay nutrition!), but it makes me feel really guilty. Then I am also supposed to be technically on rest and having my feet up and trying to relax so my foot can recover, but I definitely do not like this. I am so used to being on the go all the time and I definitely long for the buzz that I get after a really strenuous work out (especially running which I unfortunately probably won’t be doing for awhile! Ugh). Yes, I am being a bit whiny right now. Like I said in my earlier post yesterday, I am stuck in this sort of waiting period until things start rolling. I just need something that gives me some feeling of accomplishment.
In other news, I had another salad today for lunch. 2 out of 7 days now! Boo yah! I broiled chicken for the first time ever, and it really turned out absolutely delicious!
I definitely think I am struggling a bit with depression. I feel like my hormone levels are just barely balanced when I exercise and what not, so when I cut back on exercising, I quickly get overwhelmed? I am not 100 percent sure and definitely will have to talk it out with the therapist. I don’t understand why I feel like I constantly need to be doing something. If I am not doing something that I deem productive, I automatically feel like a waste of space and I am just wasting time. This is one of the things I really need to address in this journey to awesomehood — finding that balance between nothingness and too muchness.
One thing I know is that this feeling won’t last forever. I will overcome this. I always do.