Sometimes, I don’t realize how much has changed in the past year. I have been constantly on the go since my father passed away last year, and I really have not taken time to sit back and think on everything. For some reason, if I am not accomplishing a lot, I feel like I am all of a sudden a complete failure. Gosh, I am such a drama queen sometimes. Ok, I am not too much of a drama queen because I don’t really like drama so that’s definitely not the right term for it. But, the whole not accomplishing thing is huge because I have accomplished way more in a year that I should be proud of. I am not at my goal yet, but I have done so much to set a foundation for a successful life. I got off my lazy ass and actually did stuff this year and just because I am a little gimpy right now does not undo everything. I am not falling into old habits. I am not the same girl I was last year.
See, last year at this time, I would not feel bad for spending all day on the couch. I mean a little part of me always felt bad about spending all day on the couch watching movies but I just silenced those thoughts with a big container of Chinese take out. Ha, take that bad thoughts. Then I would lie there all day with my big full belly and let my mind become complete mush. I had very little energy to do anything. Even the thought of activity wore me out. All the while, I was watching my dad sink further away from me as he succumbed to brain cancer. Watching someone you love die slowly and painfully (despite the pain medications, it never looked good), is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. All last year, I was a complete ghost to myself. My world was crumbling around me. I was losing one of the most important people in my life, and all I could do was watch. As soon as he passed on, I started running from the pain. I took care of my mom and have been watching out for her since, took care of some of my dad’s things, and I took control of my health. I definitely needed control. I hated how out of control I felt that whole entire year. Not being able to do a single thing to save my dad’s life. The one life I could save, though, was my own.
Two months after my dad’s passing, I changed my diet completely. I bought a scale and started exercising more frequently. In 8 months, I have lost over 60 pounds. I have lost almost 25% of my original body weight. That’s insane! In this year, I have run 4 miles, gone horseback riding more frequently than I have in my entire life, hiked up 3 mountains and gone on 2 really long walks, gone swimming in the ocean, laid out on the beach in a large bathing suit (not extra large!), looked in a dressing room mirror and was not ashamed of what I saw, got married, wore dresses (sometimes just because!), could go on all the amusement park rides and was not held back due to my size, dropped almost 6 pant sizes, and started this awesome blog where I met an amazing community. That’s a lot to do in one year! I also know what I want to be when “I grow up” and have everything in order for me to go back to school for the Spring semester. I have set the foundation for success, and it makes sense for there to be minor hiccups on the journey… but I have to remember the big picture.
I am on an amazing journey right now. I may never make it to some set destination, and I am slowly starting to be fine with that. I need to remember to appreciate all the small steps that lead to the really big steps.
Big thank you to all you wonderful bloggers. Also thank you to Erika @ My Recovery Diary for the beautiful inspirational award and all her sweet words. They brought a tear to my eye, but also helped make me realize just how much I have accomplished. I am not a failure, and I will be back on track very soon.
So this is my lesson to you…
shit bad stuff happens, but keep your eye on the beautiful bigger picture. I am sure even the best masterpieces were not perfect the first time. You just never see the rough drafts.