So Many Changes!

24 Comments

Sometimes, I don’t realize how much has changed in the past year. I have been constantly on the go since my father passed away last year, and I really have not taken time to sit back and think on everything. For some reason, if I am not accomplishing a lot, I feel like I am all of a sudden a complete failure. Gosh, I am such a drama queen sometimes. Ok, I am not too much of a drama queen because I don’t really like drama so that’s definitely not the right term for it. But, the whole not accomplishing thing is huge because I have accomplished way more in a year that I should be proud of. I am not at my goal yet, but I have done so much to set a foundation for a successful life. I got off my lazy ass and actually did stuff this year and just because I am a little gimpy right now does not undo everything. I am not falling into old habits. I am not the same girl I was last year.

See, last year at this time, I would not feel bad for spending all day on the couch. I mean a little part of me always felt bad about spending all day on the couch watching movies but I just silenced those thoughts with a big container of Chinese take out. Ha, take that bad thoughts. Then I would lie there all day with my big full belly and let my mind become complete mush. I had very little energy to do anything. Even the thought of activity wore me out. All the while, I was watching my dad sink further away from me as he succumbed to brain cancer. Watching someone you love die slowly and painfully (despite the pain medications, it never looked good), is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. All last year, I was a complete ghost to myself. My world was crumbling around me. I was losing one of the most important people in my life, and all I could do was watch. As soon as he passed on, I started running from the pain. I took care of my mom and have been watching out for her since, took care of some of my dad’s things, and I took control of my health. I definitely needed control. I hated how out of control I felt that whole entire year. Not being able to do a single thing to save my dad’s life. The one life I could save, though, was my own.

Two months after my dad’s passing, I changed my diet completely. I bought a scale and started exercising more frequently. In 8 months, I have lost over 60 pounds. I have lost almost 25% of my original body weight. That’s insane! In this year, I have run 4 miles, gone horseback riding more frequently than I have in my entire life, hiked up 3 mountains and gone on 2 really long walks, gone swimming in the ocean, laid out on the beach in a large bathing suit (not extra large!), looked in a dressing room mirror and was not ashamed of what I saw, got married, wore dresses (sometimes just because!), could go on all the amusement park rides and was not held back due to my size, dropped almost 6 pant sizes, and started this awesome blog where I met an amazing community. That’s a lot to do in one year! I also know what I want to be when “I grow up” and have everything in order for me to go back to school for the Spring semester. I have set the foundation for success, and it makes sense for there to be minor hiccups on the journey… but I have to remember the big picture.

I am on an amazing journey right now. I may never make it to some set destination, and I am slowly starting to be fine with that. I need to remember to appreciate all the small steps that lead to the really big steps.

Big thank you to all you wonderful bloggers. Also thank you to Erika @ My Recovery Diary for the beautiful inspirational award and all her sweet words. They brought a tear to my eye, but also helped make me realize just how much I have accomplished. I am not a failure, and I will be back on track very soon.

So this is my lesson to you… shit bad stuff happens, but keep your eye on the beautiful bigger picture. I am sure even the best masterpieces were not perfect the first time. You just never see the rough drafts.

 

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24 thoughts on “So Many Changes!

  1. Girl – you have accomplished so much this year! I’m glad to see you giving yourself some credit and acknowledging all your hard work. I love how you ended the post with the idea that we never see rough drafts of a masterpiece – so true on so many levels. You are INDEED on the journey to awesomehood πŸ™‚

    • Thank you so much! I really loved my rough draft quote. I felt so smart. lol But yes, I definitely need to give myself a little more credit instead of feeling bad about myself! That’s no way to live!

  2. You really are an inspiration πŸ™‚ I am very happy I have gotten to know you through the blogosphere :)!! Thank you for sharing your journey. One of my goals that I set for myself way back in January was to surround myself with positive people. Your positivity and refusal to give up are so encouraging! You should be beyond proud of all you have achieved…

    • Awwah, thank you so much! I am glad to have gotten to know you too! The community here has been absolutely rewarding and awesome. I don’t think I would have been as successful if it wasn’t for this blog. I just need to remember how far I have actually come, and it doesn’t matter the distance I travel in just one day. What matters is how far I get in the long run.

  3. Oh Cassy… I’m so proud of you. You’re such an inspiration to others and I’m so glad you’ve got the love of a good man and such a renewed, positive outlook… even if things are a little rough right now… I wish I could give you a hug LOL

    I just wanted to say one thing though… you wrote… “Not being able to do a single thing to save my dad’s life.”… what could you do? I’m sure there are many, many things you wanted to do… but there was nothing you could do… I can’t imagine what it must have been like so I would patronise you with stupid platitudes… but please… there wasn’t anything you could have done. It wasn’t your fault… and I’m sure your Dad wouldn’t want you to feel bad in any way…

    …anyway… just my ten cents worth…

    • Thanks. I seriously would not have survived the past year without Kevin. He was seriously my crutch until I could find my own two feet again.

      And I know there wasn’t anything I could really do. Sometimes I wonder if I could have sent him to a cancer center in Boston or Pennsylvania, but he said he didn’t want to leave Maine. :/ And as his power of attorney, I really just wanted to do what he wanted. But it really sucks to watch someone you care about suffer and slowly sink away from you. Watching a brilliant man no longer remember how to play checkers and then later not really knowing how to talk. :/

      I know my dad wouldn’t want me to feel bad, but I can’t help it sometimes. I am just glad I made him smile at least one last time a few days before he passed on.

  4. You are amazing! I didn’t realise our stories were so similar.. I lost my mum to breast cancer in November last year, in February I completely changed my life and signed up for the program that I’m on and have quit smoking, lost weight, and gotten healthy. Crazy how it takes something like that sometimes to trigger what’s inside of us, but I like to think that it’s one of the few positives that can be taken from an otherwise crappy situation. πŸ™‚

    • Oh wow! That’s awesome… Sorry to hear about your mom. It really hits hard when you lose a parent, and it really makes you look at your own life choices. My dad passed away without accomplishing all his dreams and I had limited myself to accomplish things because of my weight and health.

  5. Wow! Now those are some serious accomplishments!!! EIGHT MONTHS? Are you kidding me? WOWOWOWOW!!!!
    I am so glad you liked your award and that it got you teary-eyed! You are and continue to be a wonderful inspiration. You are just amazing, don’t ever forget! Every time you feel down, come back to this post and realize how much you’ve grown and how many people you inspire every single day you choose loving yourself and changing for the better.
    Lots of love, Cass! Let’s keep doing this! We’re in this self-growth journey together πŸ˜‰

    • Thank you so much! Sometimes I feel like I should be doing so much more, but maybe I do deserve a little bit of a break! haha

      And we are definitely in this journey together, and it’s awesome to be on this journey with so many people!

    • Thanks so much… It has been a very long year, but also a short one at the same time! Lots accomplished in such little time. I really appreciate it! Thanks!

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