I have never felt more alone than I do right now. Restricted by not being able to speak, to clearly convey my exact thoughts and feelings, nothing concrete to hold on to. I feel trapped within my body without any escapes. Trying my best to remain strong but at the same time, just really wanting to fall absolutely apart. This year has been absolutely trying. I have never felt so weak and so strong at the same time. For the majority of the year, I have been pretty empty on the inside. I concentrated on physical goals and did not really look at what was going on inside. It was so easy to do… my life became about achievement to try to cover the large abyss that opened up in my heart last year. And I succeeded. For pretty much an entire year, I did not deal with anything internal. Of course, I did have moments that surfaced here and there… where my emotional spirit tried to tap me on the shoulder, but it was such a heavy burden, that I just quickly shrugged it away. I had truly convinced myself that I was amazing. I was strong. I could overcome anything.
Then, I had surgery that left me speechless, pretty literally (though I can speak, it is just difficult and it gets really frustrating to pronounce “s” sounds and most vowels are a pain in the ass). Also, I am not allowed to do any strenuous activity. I can’t throw myself into working out, and I am actually supposed to be drinking a lot of calories to compensate for the healing. All the things that had been my focus during the year, suddenly were not there anymore. I am not able to ride my horse, and I have to be careful when I am around her… which sucks because I just want to cuddle her close… So I am pretty much stuck within myself, alone with my thoughts… I have been trying to distract myself. I have done some cleaning, a lot of reading, a lot of re-watching favorite TV shows… Lots of positive things, but you can’t ignore the voices when they start screaming…
I have pretty much discovered that I am still seriously grieving over losing my dad. I miss him so much right now that it is basically tearing me apart. I so long to hear just more time for him to call me “kiddo,” or to have him give me the same advice over again about being responsible… even though he already knew I was quite responsible but felt like he had to give the speech regardless. One time in high school, I was just hanging out in my room and he knocked on my door because he was going up to bed and he always would wish me a good night… But this night, instead of saying goodnight, he just peeked his head in and said “Don’t Do Drugs” and left. I hadn’t laughed for awhile, but that night I laughed a lot. It was just so like him. That was the extent of his speech, and it was very effective. Of course, I was always sort of a homebody so it wasn’t like there was much to worry about in regards of me going out and partying it up.
He always believed in me. He always knew how to bring out the best in me without being too patronizing (I mean he could be somewhat patronizing because he’s a dad and that’s what dads need to do sometimes), but he knew how to come at my problems so it was basically like I was discovering the solution for myself. Unless I really messed up… and he was severely disappointed, then that would just break my heart. He never even had to yell. He just had to get that look in his eye and I would feel like I was two inches tall and wanting to be swept underneath a rug.
It sucks because I know I did not appreciate him back then. I was stupid and young… not many teenagers/young twenties appreciate their parents as much as they should. I always loved my dad, but I don’t know if I ever really showed it enough. I liked to believe he left this world knowing how much he impacted my life, but I am terrified every day that he left this world feeling alone. I really did not handle his cancer very well as soon as he was permanently in the nursing home/hospital. I always felt uncomfortable and out of place. It broke my heart to see him not being able to form sentences that didn’t make any sense. To see my brilliant father not even being able to understand a telephone or sense of time. At one point, getting towards the end, he said that no one ever visited him and it had been so long since I last visited… even though it had been only a week. I felt absolutely horrible to hear that from him. Despite my mom and mine’s best efforts, he still felt alone.
But I guess I sort of get it… because in his condition, in his mind, he was alone, much like I am alone in my thoughts now. And it is a terrifying feeling.
I used to love writing… Poetry, mostly, though I did dabble in prose occasionally. I was never very good at it but at least it was an outlet. But it was something that really took from my emotional self and once my dad was diagnosed with brain cancer, that part of my got boarded up really quickly. The feelings were just too painful to explore and write about. There were no words that could clearly express the pain, and if I tried to sound happy in my poetry, it just ended up coming across as cheesy and cliché. Unfortunately without this outlet for almost two years now… a lot of things have just been building up, and right now, I feel absolutely flooded.
This is mostly why I have not written for awhile or checked out blogs, I have just been so lost in myself, trying to sort things out.
Trying to become honest with myself and where I currently stand. Sorry for the depressingness of this post, but I feel like I have to be honest here so I am not always trying to fill these awesome shoes. After all, this is about a journey.
Not a destination.