Where I Sound Whiny and Make Confessions…

24 Comments

I have never felt more alone than I do right now. Restricted by not being able to speak, to clearly convey my exact thoughts and feelings, nothing concrete to hold on to. I feel trapped within my body without any escapes. Trying my best to remain strong but at the same time, just really wanting to fall absolutely apart. This year has been absolutely trying. I have never felt so weak and so strong at the same time. For the majority of the year, I have been pretty empty on the inside. I concentrated on physical goals and did not really look at what was going on inside. It was so easy to do… my life became about achievement to try to cover the large abyss that opened up in my heart last year. And I succeeded. For pretty much an entire year, I did not deal with anything internal. Of course, I did have moments that surfaced here and there… where my emotional spirit tried to tap me on the shoulder, but it was such a heavy burden, that I just quickly shrugged it away. I had truly convinced myself that I was amazing. I was strong. I could overcome anything.

 

Then, I had surgery that left me speechless, pretty literally (though I can speak, it is just difficult and it gets really frustrating to pronounce “s” sounds and most vowels are a pain in the ass). Also, I am not allowed to do any strenuous activity. I can’t throw myself into working out, and I am actually supposed to be drinking a lot of calories to compensate for the healing. All the things that had been my focus during the year, suddenly were not there anymore. I am not able to ride my horse, and I have to be careful when I am around her… which sucks because I just want to cuddle her close… So I am pretty much stuck within myself, alone with my thoughts… I have been trying to distract myself. I have done some cleaning, a lot of reading, a lot of re-watching favorite TV shows… Lots of positive things, but you can’t ignore the voices when they start screaming…

 

I have pretty much discovered that I am still seriously grieving over losing my dad. I miss him so much right now that it is basically tearing me apart. I so long to hear just more time for him to call me “kiddo,” or to have him give me the same advice over again about being responsible… even though he already knew I was quite responsible but felt like he had to give the speech regardless. One time in high school, I was just hanging out in my room and he knocked on my door because he was going up to bed and he always would wish me a good night… But this night, instead of saying goodnight, he just peeked his head in and said “Don’t Do Drugs” and left. I hadn’t laughed for awhile, but that night I laughed a lot. It was just so like him. That was the extent of his speech, and it was very effective. Of course, I was always sort of a homebody so it wasn’t like there was much to worry about in regards of me going out and partying it up.

 

He always believed in me. He always knew how to bring out the best in me without being too patronizing (I mean he could be somewhat patronizing because he’s a dad and that’s what dads need to do sometimes), but he knew how to come at my problems so it was basically like I was discovering the solution for myself. Unless I really messed up… and he was severely disappointed, then that would just break my heart. He never even had to yell. He just had to get that look in his eye and I would feel like I was two inches tall and wanting to be swept underneath a rug.

 

It sucks because I know I did not appreciate him back then. I was stupid and young… not many teenagers/young twenties appreciate their parents as much as they should. I always loved my dad, but I don’t know if I ever really showed it enough. I liked to believe he left this world knowing how much he impacted my life, but I am terrified every day that he left this world feeling alone. I really did not handle his cancer very well as soon as he was permanently in the nursing home/hospital. I always felt uncomfortable and out of place. It broke my heart to see him not being able to form sentences that didn’t make any sense. To see my brilliant father not even being able to understand a telephone or sense of time. At one point, getting towards the end, he said that no one ever visited him and it had been so long since I last visited… even though it had been only a week. I felt absolutely horrible to hear that from him. Despite my mom and mine’s best efforts, he still felt alone.

 

But I guess I sort of get it… because in his condition, in his mind, he was alone, much like I am alone in my thoughts now. And it is a terrifying feeling.

 

I used to love writing… Poetry, mostly, though I did dabble in prose occasionally. I was never very good at it but at least it was an outlet. But it was something that really took from my emotional self and once my dad was diagnosed with brain cancer, that part of my got boarded up really quickly. The feelings were just too painful to explore and write about. There were no words that could clearly express the pain, and if I tried to sound happy in my poetry, it just ended up coming across as cheesy and cliché. Unfortunately without this outlet for almost two years now… a lot of things have just been building up, and right now, I feel absolutely flooded.

 

This is mostly why I have not written for awhile or checked out blogs, I have just been so lost in myself, trying to sort things out.

 

Trying to become honest with myself and where I currently stand. Sorry for the depressingness of this post, but I feel like I have to be honest here so I am not always trying to fill these awesome shoes. After all, this is about a journey.

 

Not a destination.

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24 thoughts on “Where I Sound Whiny and Make Confessions…

  1. I didn’t get depressed from reading this post. It was a thought-out and insightful look into your current mental and emotional state.

    Also – let me be clear to anybody else reading this. She is waaaay too humble about her writing skills. Years ago when we both participated in a contest (that led to us meeting online) I thought she was more deserving of an award than anybody else that had participated. According to the judges she was a close runner up to the “top three”, but I didn’t need the award and I felt she deserved it more. This is a life-changing experience that would NOT have happened if she wasn’t so good at writing! SO HA!

    Anyhow… I’m here for you sweetie. Don’t think that you can’t monopolize my time. I am here for you. Your current physical condition is temporary. I can at least help in that regard… you can have all the husband time you want. I will never resent that. Gosh.

  2. Everything I think to write sounds empty. I guess these deep journies inward are needed to heal from the inside out. Blessings to you on your journey.

  3. I can totally relate to you in sitting there with all your thoughts. I’ve been going over my life these last few weeks and realizing that the last 10 years of my life I haven’t tried as hard at things that I needed to and I’m reaping the effects from it. It’s not easy to look yourself in the mirror and see who you truly are…but it’s needful to do it daily so you aren’t stuck at the bottom of a hole looking up. Not having a job for over 3 months also gives me time to “think” and I’ve been avoiding it being bored outta my mind…and now that I HAVE to think I want to run away, but have to face reality.
    Hang in there! You can only take things one day at a time and one thought at a time.
    Prv 18:14- The spirit of a man will sustain his infirmity; but a wounded spirit who can bear?

  4. I can totally relate to you in sitting there with all your thoughts. I’ve been going over my life these last few weeks and realizing that the last 10 years of my life I haven’t tried as hard at things that I needed to and I’m reaping the effects from it. It’s not easy to look yourself in the mirror and see who you truly are…but it’s needful to do it daily so you aren’t stuck at the bottom of a hole looking up. Not having a job for over 3 months also gives me time to “think” and I’ve been avoiding it being bored outta my mind…and now that I HAVE to think I want to run away, but can’t and have to face reality.
    Hang in there! You can only take things one day at a time and one thought at a time.
    One thing that helps when you are depressed with your own failings is to write a card to someone to say hi, I was gonna say give someone a call but that won’t work for you right now. But the more you give to others, the better it makes you feel.
    Prv 18:14- The spirit of a man will sustain his infirmity; but a wounded spirit who can bear?

    • Definitely having too much time on your hands is a bad thing! I do not like having all these hours trying to fill up time, basically just wasting time because I don’t have the energy or motivation to do anything else. I just want this to be over with. =( I know it will all get better soon, and I know it will all be worth it, but right now, it is a huge pain in the ass. I like the card idea! =D

  5. Oh Cassy, my friend, I’ve missed your posts… and you are *not* whiny. Do you not remember my posts? Those were whiny 😛

    (Just trying to make you smile. :))

    I don’t know what else to say… except “Keep Calm And Carry On” and know that you’re in my thoughts. I’m here for you, my friend. It’ll be okay… I don’t normally say things like that because I always fear they won’t… but I have a feeling… things will get better 🙂

      • Oh you know… when I was whining about my relationships… half my posts 😛

        When are you coming back to mfp? I need someone to stop me snacking LOL (I’m still losing weight – am now at 203.8 – but I’d lose it quicker if I didn’t snack LOL)

  6. This is not whiny at all.. I really feel for you..that sounds incredibly difficult..and I know what it is like to see someone slowly fade away from the person they used to be!:(
    It is hard not to get caught up in your thoughts when the activities you love are ones that aren’t not available to you at the moment. *HUGS*

  7. I wish I could say anything that could help, but I know from experience that there isn’t. It’s been three and a half years since my dad died, and I can honestly say I’m not “actively grieving” anymore. But there were times when I felt things that were similar to what you’re describing here; that I would never not be sad about it, that I was a horrible daughter, that I hadn’t done enough. I started seeing a grief counselor who really helped me feel the grief and not try to fight it. Cry about it, be angry about it, etc. and not feel so guilty. As horrible as it is right now, feeling the pain will help you feel better later.

    In the mean time, I’m sending tons of positive thoughts your way. About the grief, about your jaw, everything. This too shall pass, but while it’s happening it’ll suck a lot. I’m so sorry.

    • Hugs! Sorry for the loss of your dad. =( I have been going to therapy, but being unable to talk means not talking to my therapist for 6 weeks, and I really miss having that outlet. It was nice to get that perspective every single week. I definitely spent the majority of the year, fighting the grief, and just focusing on the future. I didn’t spend enough time in the now. I didn’t really soak things in as much. But I know it will get better.

  8. I wish I knew the right words to say right now. Honestly I have never lost a parent. I never had a relationship with my mother who i don’t know and the relationship I have with my father is hardly a relationship. It’s like never having parents. I suppose the good thing is I will never have to deal with that type of loss. All in all, you post was not whiney. It was honest, insightful and deep. it is hard to admit what is going on inside and just lay it out there. This post of yours was nothing short of BRAVE!

    Just know that one day you will get through all of this and come out a stronger woman because of it. Don’t feel guilty because you have emotions and feelings. We all do. It is normal and natural and it is better to let it out. If you don’t it can eat you up alive.

    Lots of love and hugs to you and you know you can unload guilt free anytime. That’s what WP is for!! Or even FB!

    • Oh no. That’s kind of sad too, though. =( To not really have a relationship with a parent…But the loss is really scary and painful. These past 5 weeks have definitely been very trying when dealing with emotions. It’s crazy how close to the edge I am all the time. I broke a syringe the other day and got grape juice EVERYWHERE, and I just burst into tears because it was so embarrassing and frustrating.

      I can’t wait for this to be over.

  9. I agree with some of the fellow commenters – your blog is not whiny. Being real, open and honest is part of blogging in a public forum. And really – it’s just part of participating in life. You have had a really, really, tough year. Lots of ups and downs and you have the right to have a lot on your heart and your mind. I can only imagine that the inability to speak only makes everything else so much more heightened. Totally understandable.

    Working on the inside as well as the outside is definitely part of the journey – it’s good that you are open to change on both accounts. Like you said – this is a journey!

    • Ugh it has been a huge bummer not being able to talk. My husband and I had one big disagreement all because of miscommunication 😦 It really sucks when you just cannot speak your mind and get your feelings out. This whole ordeal has definitely been trying. A lot of people don’t realize how psychological this has been… they think “Oh, only 6 weeks without eating? Lucky you!” but it is 6 weeks feeling trapped within your body… and I now can relate to someone who may have mental disabilities where they have really intelligent thoughts but can’t communicate them clearly… it’s totally super frustrating. I really miss having a normal conversation.

  10. Your are not alone, you have your husband which loves you very much and a bunch of followers which want the best for you. It is good that you know how you feel inside, you are human in the end :). We all have our ups and downs, remember I had mine last week :P. You are in a position where you have nothing that distracts you from you problems unlike usual were you get to be busy with life. Take this time the value your life and in the end remember that you are loved and that everyone is proud of you for changing your life to the better. You are now a healthy gorgeous babe and remember that your dad is with you all the time and I am sure he is very proud of his daughter for changing her life for the better.

    • Hugs. Thank you so much for this… it has been a very trying time! I cannot wait for this to be over. It is hard when you cannot socialize the same as you have before, and your motivation is pretty much zilch… and all you want to do is eat something that smells absolutely amazing.

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