Pumpkin Spice & Desk Jobs: The Story of My Day

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I love Autumn. There is a crispness in the air that I can never quite describe but it invigorates my soul. It is still pretty damn warm in Colorado, but as the sun sets and that gorgeous moon peaks its majestic head around the clouds, I can feel it. While watching the furry butt of my curious corgi go romping around the yard and the urge for myself to go pee grows strong, I can feel that crispness of Autumn. I am pretty proud of myself for going until September 2nd before I started demanding Pumpkin Spice Everything. I even got a text message from Caribou telling me I could indulge in the pumpkin before anyone else because I got perks (I am a pretty big deal). This morning, though, I looked to my husband and muttered the words every husband wants to hear: “I want to be naughty.” With a raised brow, he looks at me. Before he gets too far into the fantasy (though I am pretty sure he knows me better than I know myself), I whisper (or said really loudly in excitement because who I am kidding) “I want pumpkin iced coffee.”

I made it to September 2nd, folks. I am going to give myself a pat on the back now. And this whole week is my Birthday Week because yunno it should be a week long celebration because I SURVIVED A WHOLE YEAR. It’s been a roller-coaster, man, and as much as I love those adrenaline-inducing rides, I have been feeling anything but rejuvenated. Which is why I am blogging again because I need to find my voice, dammit. I know it is around here somewhere so I am just going to spew word vomit until I find it (you aren’t happy right now that you are reading this are you? That’s fine. You can stop anytime).

I am looking at you CRITIC. Right in your eyeballs.

I am looking at you CRITIC. Right in your eyeballs.

So my mind has basically turned into the mush over the past few years. It turned into real mush when I started working a desk job. Do not get me wrong (people who I may work with who stumble upon this and are like AHH!), I love my job. I love my co-workers and I love knowing without me there things can turn into chaos really quickly (and at the same time, I hate it). I get to indirectly help change people’s lives for the better by getting them through the doors and seeing our world of dog training. And trust me, we have made some miracles happen! We are one of the few dog training places that take in really aggressive dogs because normally behind every aggressive dog is a family who really does love the dog but was either misinformed about the dog when they adopted him/her or it is just in the dog’s genetics. And we are always completely honest with people so it makes me feel good to see that…

But on the other hand, desk jobs are so repetitive that my mind just goes on autopilot. I am not even really aware of what is happening and I hate that feeling. I like to be engaged and have my mind going but 90% of the time I am stuck in my closet, away from the world. I am a person who does thrive on building ideas with people. I LOVE BRAINSTORMING. I love knowing anything is a possibility but when you get stuck in a rut, you start just seeing dirt walls and not the world of green, butterflies, and unicorns (oh they are out there).

Thanks, Oprah. A gentle reminder that a house needs to be cleaned so that weird smell can go away. It's somewhere.

Thanks, Oprah. A gentle reminder that a house needs to be cleaned so that weird smell can go away. It’s somewhere.

Also, I am sitting, A LOT. And it is showing, people. My focus on health is so scattered because I am on autopilot and I am sitting for the majority of the day. I am tempted to ask my boss to ditch the chair and get one of those fun bouncy balls you can sit on? Just bounce my way to productiveness. I wonder what he will say. I am sure I can make a good argument for it. Anyway, I miss going on really nice nature walks. One good thing about Maine is that it was pretty easy to get to nature. Here in Colorado, it does take some effort to get to open spaces (at least where I live). So this is kind of where I am at in life. Desk job and the simple pleasures of pumpkin spice. Take joy where you can get it.

We Are All Just a Bunch of Walking Heads

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Meditation was very interesting to partake in. There actually was a lot of new students at the class so I wonder if this feeling of directionless and stress is going around. The one thing about meditation is trying to be more aware of how your body changes in response to your thoughts. Those feeling of anxiety and depression change the way you breathe, how your muscles tense, and many other things. Sometimes you just need to be an observer of what is happening to you instead of being so caught up in the brain and thoughts. This is something I really need to work on. My destructive emotions are unchecked and running amok. My biggest is being guilt and shame with a mix of depression. I do not feel like I do enough for people and I am always letting people down. I keep pushing myself to be better, to be perfect, and hold myself to these incredibly high standards that quickly come crashing down as soon as I mess up (which I am bound to do because hello, I am human). This goes the same with weight loss. I am either super strict or I am sabotaging myself. It is very hard for me to be in the middle which is something I really want to improve on.

Anyway it is Monday so that means weekly goals! Here we go:

  1. Weigh in on Friday. Be down to 204.
  2. Run 3x this week.
  3. Ride my horse 3x this week.
  4. Despite it being my birthday week, have sugary sweets in moderation.
  5. Keep the blogging up, yo!

That’s right. You heard it. My birthday falls on Labor Day this year so I get a 3-Day weekend in my honor. You’re welcome. I really have no plans in the works besides the Taylor Swift shin-dig on Sunday so if you have any ideas of fun birthday activities to do, let me know! It might include visiting a vineyard, going on a 40 mile bike ride, visiting a mountain town (though they are probably going to be packed for the weekend). I am kind of bummed I did not realize Frontier was having such AMAZING deals on travel. I would have booked a $20 ticket to Vegas. Ah well, maybe next year. I know I want a balance of exploring as well as relaxing as chilling. Which is a hard thing for me to do (again with the whole all or nothing balance thing). So give me your ideas.

What is your week looking like?

What is an emotion you want to focus on accepting and leaving your body?

How many licks does it take to get to a center of a tootsie pop? Curious minds want to know!

Meanwhile, stare at this picture. Doesn’t it just make you feel inspired? This is definitely one of my favorite places.

standley

Can You Wear a Cowgirl Hat to a Taylor Swift concert?

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Please help me settle this debate I have going on with my friend. Can you wear a Cowgirl Hat to a Taylor Swift concert? Because she’s yunno all pop now apparently, but she could still play songs from her country days? Maybe? Or I mean it is like paying tribute to her ol’ country days. Any reason to wear a country girl hat… WHY NOT. But she thinks we will look ridiculous (which I am okay with and may just still wear the hat anyway. I ride horses afterall!)

Also, wha-la! This is post number three of the week ladies and gentleman. GIVE A ROUND OF APPLAUSE. I did it. They are random and completely off topic, but that is fine by me. Maybe other people out there would also love to have this Taylor Swift concert question answered. Maybe I am doing the world a favor for all the people who were just too afraid to ask. Honestly there is problem an answer somewhere on the internet but I don’t feel like googling it right now).

So I have been doing pretty good on my other goals. I think. Blogged 3 times and I have been running! I am averaging 6 miles a week but that is something! Progress from the negative miles to the couch I have been doing for a bit. Technically, just getting up off my butt was a huge success. If you have accomplished just the smallest of small goals this weekend, pat yourself on the back. YOU ROCK. Look at you go! Just the slightest change in the right direction, whether that means just eating 3 cookies instead of 5 for dinner for dessert, you are kicking ass.

soulhappiness

I even got out into the world and have been trying to become more social. Tomorrow, the hubs and I are trying out a meditation place. It is an introductory class to help clear the mind and center your emotions. Yes, please! I could use some clarity in the chaos that is the world. I am stumbling right now through some rough patches, but I know there is a smooth road ahead. You do notice my name is Journey to Awesomehood (well not my name, per say, but the blog’s). It was initially just supposed to be a weight loss blog to keep me focused, but this journey has become much more than that. It is now a voyage towards greatness by improving not only my health, body but also my mind. I feel like there is a better version of myself hidden beneath some emotional layers that need sorted out.

Also, you guys may not know this… but one of my life long dream has come TRUE. I got my corgi. I have been wanting one since I was a kid. I absolutely love the breed ever since I saw Cowboy Bebop. I knew one day they would be MINE.  Yes, they. Like all of them. That part of the dream hasn’t come true but I do have ONE. So that is a pretty good start. World, Meet Delphy! Delphy meet World!

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Tune in next week for more goals. More randomness. And more interestingness as I try to break down boundaries and explore my soul (and the world!)

Finding Strength (Like Hercules, Minus the Whole Actual Superhuman Strength)

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This past year has been amazing. Incredible. Really stressful. Exhausting,.. I just lost my train of thought as my husband asked where the English Muffins are. Bread Box! Look in the bread box! Though I guess they really are not a bread. Maybe? Honestly I do not know but they are delicious and my husband makes awesome breakfasts. Not always the most HEALTHY breakfasts, but still phenomenal. I feel like this is just a blog of adjectives and verbs at this point.

Lets start over…I have lost my focus. Not just in the sense of this blog post though it is fitting. In the sense of life. I feel like I have just been bouncing between waves, getting drained, when I could be swimming to my own island paradise. Instead I am just floating aimlessly when seriously the island is RIGHT OVER THERE. I CAN SEE IT. Why don’t I swim? I feel like I get distracted by something shiny like a damn bird. The problem with me is if I don’t have a goal, a focus, I get depressed. I need ANYTHING to help in keeping my attention on the end goal. Whether that be a physical goal, emotional goal, a job goal, I thrive better when I have goals. My weight has been pretty consistent around 202-209 since last year and that really has got to stop. I feel like my life has almost gotten stagnant and I have lost that sense of wonder and adventure that I once had. Bitter and frustrated Cassy is no fun. I feel like my brain is in a foggy zone. So I am reaching out to my blog, to other people that may be suffering, feeling alone and directionless. Maybe we can latch on and swim to the island together! (I’ll share, promise).

moving forward

So I am starting with goals. Starting here with this poor neglected blog (don’t mind the cobwebs). I am going to write 3x a week. Whether people read it or not. Whether I get a standing ovation or just silence (no in between!). I need a place to get my feelings out and reflect.

Have the number on the scale go down. Goal is to get below 200 in 3 weeks.

Run 3x a week. I am doing the couch to 5K in hopes of doing a run by the end of October. Anyone else with me?! I could use a running buddy.

Be more optimistic and adventurous. Try a little harder not to think about all the negatives that can happen but see the positives.

I am ready to go the distance. Just like Hercules.

Though hopefully my monsters are more imaginary than real life.

Accountability… What’s that?

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I have to say back sliding is one of the hardest things to admit to. Excuses start with “I’m just retaining water,” or “I am a little stressed… it won’t take much to get back to where I was.” And those excuses keep coming until you can really rationalize that you have GAINED weight back. It’s there. It’s hanging on your hips, pulling down on your tummy, and making your belly shake and your butt jiggle. Your MyFitnessPal app still has you at your lowest weight and you feel ashamed to change it. It’s been almost a year since I have seen 185 on the scale. It’s time to face the music.Take the plunge. Start from Square 2 (not 1 at least!) and get back on track. This week, I admitted to myself and MyFitnessPal that I had officially gained 20 pounds in the past year. I can finally mark progress when I lose weight instead of seeing that daunting 185 and wondering when the heck I will ever see that number on the scale again.

onestepcloserLast weekend, I went away for my first business trip ever. It was terrifying at first to be pushed out of my comfort zone and go to a place where I did not truly know everyone. I love my coworkers and boss, but it is an entirely different element to hang out with them for 5 days straight in one of the craziest cities I have been to: Vegas. I would not trade that time for the world. My comfort zones were stretched in places they really needed to be and learn to just let go and live. The classes were inspiring and I walked away with information I could apply to my job but also my life. One of those lessons was about accountability. Finding out what your big picture goal is and then breaking it down by year, by month, by week, and by day. Every single day you should be doing something to achieve your goals. Whether it be a fitness goal, a business goal, a personal goal. Every day you have to dedicate some time to achieving something to improve yourself. If you find yourself thinking you are perfect, you have mostly just become complacent and forgotten how to dream. There is ALWAYS something you can be doing to become a better version of yourself. To help in achieving those goals, you have to become open with them. Tell people. Friends. Family. Someone who can help in achieving them. When you keep your goals bottled up, you never know who can help you and you also have no one keeping you accountable. No one helping you to strive to a better version of yourself.

I admit that in the past year I became complacent. I was just going through the motions. Work, watch TV, see my pony. livelifeinjoyThere wasn’t much in the “bettering me” department. I gained weight and got lazy despite going to the gym, I only did the bare minimum. This business trip was exactly what I needed to light a fire under my ass and find my passion. Find who I want to be inside. My goals for 2015 are starting to shape up! This is what I have so far:

1. Get to 165 pounds by the end of the year. I will be at 195 by the end of April and back to my original weight by the end of May.

2. Work out 3x a week at the gym. Horseback ride Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday.

3. Get the inside of the house painted by August. Dedicate one room per month.

4. Pay off ONE credit card by the end of December.

5. Go on 15 Hikes (all being 2+ miles long).

Those are my 5 main personal goals this year. I plan on blogging at least once a week to keep you all updated on my progress. Now what I want to know is…

What are your goals? What do you want out of 2015 for yourself? Let me know in the comment below and maybe we can help each other stay accountable.

Confessions

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Forgive me, Fitness Father, for I have strayed. It has been over a week since my last workout session. I know you tell me to never use the word “hate,” but too late… and lets face it, you are here to forgive me, so lets clear the air now. I hate routine exercise. I get bored really easily. It’s good for a few days but then I just want to bang my head on the walls a few time and then cry. Sometimes I get so tired of Jillian, telling me I can do it. Sometimes I just don’t want to do it, okay?! You hear that Jillian? Sometimes I just don’t want to be strong enough. There, I said it. Now don’t get me wrong… I love being active. I love hiking, walking, horseback riding, and swimming. That doesn’t feel like exercise to me, though. Doing those things makes me feel like I am on an adventure. I have fun. I do not have fun lifting weights above my head as sweat stings my eyeballs. I do not have fun limping/jogging down the street and reciting “The Little Engine That Could” inside my head. Maybe it would be okay if I got some music… but I don’t know, Fitness Father. Is something wrong with me?

I just want an active life without having to worry about dragging my butt to the gym ALL. THE. TIME. And by dragging myself to the gym, I mean rearranging the furniture and having Jillian yell at me. Sometimes, I will do it because I want to. I just don’t like doing things because I have to. I am one of THOSE people. It varies, though… Sometimes like having routine and then sometimes I want to throw the routine out the window.

I know I am not the only one alone in this. Someone wrote that comic! I am just not going to be one of those bloggers that talk about exercise very much because I don’t really have anything set in stone. The only thing I really do a lot of is horseback riding and walking. Then I do occasional other things like hiking, swimming, haying, etc. I want an active life that does not center around some sort of routine…. Does that make me a terrible weight loss blogger person? I feel like everyone is kicking some serious ass… and well, I am sitting on mine. Not all the time… just some of it. 60/40.

Also, while we are here, yesterday… I also had coffee! I know, I know. I just wrote a post about positive thinking and power… and how I couldn’t remember the last time I had coffee…. but I really needed it. I had a long day of driving ahead of me and it was an early morning. Especially when one of the husband’s client-people call at 5am in the morning. Thanks for scaring the crap out of me random person.

Not having coffee for awhile really worked in my favor, though, because it really perked me up. I wasn’t drinking it because I needed to. I drank it because I wanted to. I am completely fine today without it.

I am doing awesome on the sugar detoxing (which I think I will explain more about it tomorrow). I don’t want to jinx what the scale has been saying so I won’t tell you guys any results until Monday! Might as well end on a good note.

The husband has been developing card games and I get to be his Guinea Pig (which I don’t mind)…. and he is currently waiting for me to test out his newest invention!

Also, he might be able to persuade me to try to run 2 miles today which I haven’t done for a long time. I am going to try it with music and see what happens.

Thank you for listening to my confessions. Please forgive me…. I know not what I do. Pleeeease forgive me… I can’t stop loving yoooooooouuuu. (The Italics mean I was singing. If you never read my blog again, I completely understand).

 

Almost Victory! But A Weekend of Glory

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I am so close to officially losing 40 pounds that it hurts. I look at the scale and I am physically pained. If I had lost just 2 more ounces, it would have been official, but alas… no. I keep gaining and losing the same pound over again. My body (aka my mind) is just afraid of making that leap into the forty pound weight loss… so this is going to be the week where I push myself harder and track my calories a little bit better than I have been (I can be such a slacker…). I know I have become somewhat complacent because I am feeling better about myself. I need to tell myself that just because I feel awesome does not mean that piece of chocolate or brownie sundae is going to make the awesome feeling even better (even though it did taste amazing and it had been SO long… I did share, though!)

This weekend was still incredible even if it did not translate on the scale. Friday, I went horse back riding, and I am finally at a point where I feel amazing and more confident than I have in a very long time. I was even able to go riding outside instead of just in an inclosed/indoor arena (that’s where I feel more safe if I were to fall off). I loved it. I had not felt that good about riding in a very long time. Saturday was an off day for me. The climate changes always throw me off so when it has been really chilly and then suddenly launches into the higher 60’s/low 70’s, I get really bad headaches. Not sure why but it has been happening for a long time. So I ended up just relaxing and napping…. we did have a barbeque that night but I did very well as to not eat too much. I had a lean meat burger made with all natural beef (wow, you can really tell the difference. It was more expensive but worth it to know the cows were not given any chemicals and hormones) on a whole wheat bun, one slice of thin cut cheese, a small spoonful of pasta salad and potato salad. The one thing I did eat a little too much of was this Ambrosia salad that the upstairs neighbors make (excuse me as I drool over the memory). It is a fabulous warm weather dessert. My excuse for having that extra spoonful of it was that it does have fruit in it (don’t mind the marshmallows and such…).

Sunday was the best day overall. My fiance and I met up with a friend for lunch where we had delicious sandwiches. I had what is called a “Greca” which consists of roasted eggplant, roasted red peppers, red onion, fresh mozzarella, and I added pesto to it all on homemade whole grain bread. It was absolutely delicious. I split a small iced mocha latte with the fiance because we both have been there before and know how sweet their mocha lattes are (and therefore probably a lot of calories). Also, I am sorry I did not take pictures more often… I really need to do that. I think my posts would be more interesting… Anyway! Before I get too side tracked, back to Sunday. After lunch, we decided to go walking on the trails in a forest near by. We ended up meeting up with another friend there unexpectedly with his adorable black lab and spent about 2 hours walking the trails together… we ended up walking 4 to 5 miles? I am not quite sure, but it was an absolutely wonderful day. I did not have to sit down and rest at all like I had to do last year when the fiance and I checked out the trails for the first time and had no idea where we were going (I almost never made it out of those woods). The four of us then went out to get drinks at a local restaurant where I drank 1 and a half glasses of lemonade and then split that brownie sundae and also munched on some sweet potato fries. That’s all I had for the rest of the night for food, though.

After we parted ways, the fiance and I went clothes shopping since our clothes were getting SUPER baggy and we needed some new summer clothes for our trip out to California/Colorado (16 days away!). It was amazing to know that I have dropped 3 pant sizes! Also, I can wear Capri pants. I have never been able to wear those! My calves were always too big, but that is no longer the case. I am so excited! That made for a great ending to the weekend.

As soon as we got home, I quickly crashed in exhaustion. Once again, I really wish I had pictures but I am a slacker. I will do better in the future. Promise!

Goals this week…

1. Drink more H20.

2. Lots of H20.

3. Watch calories more closely. No more estimating.

4. Push myself that little extra every day when I exercise.

5. Take more pictures.

6. Continue feeling joy.

What are your goals for the week?