We Are All Just a Bunch of Walking Heads

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Meditation was very interesting to partake in. There actually was a lot of new students at the class so I wonder if this feeling of directionless and stress is going around. The one thing about meditation is trying to be more aware of how your body changes in response to your thoughts. Those feeling of anxiety and depression change the way you breathe, how your muscles tense, and many other things. Sometimes you just need to be an observer of what is happening to you instead of being so caught up in the brain and thoughts. This is something I really need to work on. My destructive emotions are unchecked and running amok. My biggest is being guilt and shame with a mix of depression. I do not feel like I do enough for people and I am always letting people down. I keep pushing myself to be better, to be perfect, and hold myself to these incredibly high standards that quickly come crashing down as soon as I mess up (which I am bound to do because hello, I am human). This goes the same with weight loss. I am either super strict or I am sabotaging myself. It is very hard for me to be in the middle which is something I really want to improve on.

Anyway it is Monday so that means weekly goals! Here we go:

  1. Weigh in on Friday. Be down to 204.
  2. Run 3x this week.
  3. Ride my horse 3x this week.
  4. Despite it being my birthday week, have sugary sweets in moderation.
  5. Keep the blogging up, yo!

That’s right. You heard it. My birthday falls on Labor Day this year so I get a 3-Day weekend in my honor. You’re welcome. I really have no plans in the works besides the Taylor Swift shin-dig on Sunday so if you have any ideas of fun birthday activities to do, let me know! It might include visiting a vineyard, going on a 40 mile bike ride, visiting a mountain town (though they are probably going to be packed for the weekend). I am kind of bummed I did not realize Frontier was having such AMAZING deals on travel. I would have booked a $20 ticket to Vegas. Ah well, maybe next year. I know I want a balance of exploring as well as relaxing as chilling. Which is a hard thing for me to do (again with the whole all or nothing balance thing). So give me your ideas.

What is your week looking like?

What is an emotion you want to focus on accepting and leaving your body?

How many licks does it take to get to a center of a tootsie pop? Curious minds want to know!

Meanwhile, stare at this picture. Doesn’t it just make you feel inspired? This is definitely one of my favorite places.

standley

Finding Strength (Like Hercules, Minus the Whole Actual Superhuman Strength)

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This past year has been amazing. Incredible. Really stressful. Exhausting,.. I just lost my train of thought as my husband asked where the English Muffins are. Bread Box! Look in the bread box! Though I guess they really are not a bread. Maybe? Honestly I do not know but they are delicious and my husband makes awesome breakfasts. Not always the most HEALTHY breakfasts, but still phenomenal. I feel like this is just a blog of adjectives and verbs at this point.

Lets start over…I have lost my focus. Not just in the sense of this blog post though it is fitting. In the sense of life. I feel like I have just been bouncing between waves, getting drained, when I could be swimming to my own island paradise. Instead I am just floating aimlessly when seriously the island is RIGHT OVER THERE. I CAN SEE IT. Why don’t I swim? I feel like I get distracted by something shiny like a damn bird. The problem with me is if I don’t have a goal, a focus, I get depressed. I need ANYTHING to help in keeping my attention on the end goal. Whether that be a physical goal, emotional goal, a job goal, I thrive better when I have goals. My weight has been pretty consistent around 202-209 since last year and that really has got to stop. I feel like my life has almost gotten stagnant and I have lost that sense of wonder and adventure that I once had. Bitter and frustrated Cassy is no fun. I feel like my brain is in a foggy zone. So I am reaching out to my blog, to other people that may be suffering, feeling alone and directionless. Maybe we can latch on and swim to the island together! (I’ll share, promise).

moving forward

So I am starting with goals. Starting here with this poor neglected blog (don’t mind the cobwebs). I am going to write 3x a week. Whether people read it or not. Whether I get a standing ovation or just silence (no in between!). I need a place to get my feelings out and reflect.

Have the number on the scale go down. Goal is to get below 200 in 3 weeks.

Run 3x a week. I am doing the couch to 5K in hopes of doing a run by the end of October. Anyone else with me?! I could use a running buddy.

Be more optimistic and adventurous. Try a little harder not to think about all the negatives that can happen but see the positives.

I am ready to go the distance. Just like Hercules.

Though hopefully my monsters are more imaginary than real life.

Accountability… What’s that?

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I have to say back sliding is one of the hardest things to admit to. Excuses start with “I’m just retaining water,” or “I am a little stressed… it won’t take much to get back to where I was.” And those excuses keep coming until you can really rationalize that you have GAINED weight back. It’s there. It’s hanging on your hips, pulling down on your tummy, and making your belly shake and your butt jiggle. Your MyFitnessPal app still has you at your lowest weight and you feel ashamed to change it. It’s been almost a year since I have seen 185 on the scale. It’s time to face the music.Take the plunge. Start from Square 2 (not 1 at least!) and get back on track. This week, I admitted to myself and MyFitnessPal that I had officially gained 20 pounds in the past year. I can finally mark progress when I lose weight instead of seeing that daunting 185 and wondering when the heck I will ever see that number on the scale again.

onestepcloserLast weekend, I went away for my first business trip ever. It was terrifying at first to be pushed out of my comfort zone and go to a place where I did not truly know everyone. I love my coworkers and boss, but it is an entirely different element to hang out with them for 5 days straight in one of the craziest cities I have been to: Vegas. I would not trade that time for the world. My comfort zones were stretched in places they really needed to be and learn to just let go and live. The classes were inspiring and I walked away with information I could apply to my job but also my life. One of those lessons was about accountability. Finding out what your big picture goal is and then breaking it down by year, by month, by week, and by day. Every single day you should be doing something to achieve your goals. Whether it be a fitness goal, a business goal, a personal goal. Every day you have to dedicate some time to achieving something to improve yourself. If you find yourself thinking you are perfect, you have mostly just become complacent and forgotten how to dream. There is ALWAYS something you can be doing to become a better version of yourself. To help in achieving those goals, you have to become open with them. Tell people. Friends. Family. Someone who can help in achieving them. When you keep your goals bottled up, you never know who can help you and you also have no one keeping you accountable. No one helping you to strive to a better version of yourself.

I admit that in the past year I became complacent. I was just going through the motions. Work, watch TV, see my pony. livelifeinjoyThere wasn’t much in the “bettering me” department. I gained weight and got lazy despite going to the gym, I only did the bare minimum. This business trip was exactly what I needed to light a fire under my ass and find my passion. Find who I want to be inside. My goals for 2015 are starting to shape up! This is what I have so far:

1. Get to 165 pounds by the end of the year. I will be at 195 by the end of April and back to my original weight by the end of May.

2. Work out 3x a week at the gym. Horseback ride Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday.

3. Get the inside of the house painted by August. Dedicate one room per month.

4. Pay off ONE credit card by the end of December.

5. Go on 15 Hikes (all being 2+ miles long).

Those are my 5 main personal goals this year. I plan on blogging at least once a week to keep you all updated on my progress. Now what I want to know is…

What are your goals? What do you want out of 2015 for yourself? Let me know in the comment below and maybe we can help each other stay accountable.

Weekend Goals…

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Tonight the husband and I are going on a “first date.” He is going to pick me up at the door and we are going to do the whole first date awkwardness. It will be fun to reconnect and be silly. I will let you guys know more about it later. There may or may not be pictures, depending on how “cool” my date is.

Here are some other things I want to accomplish this weekend:

1. Cut down our own Christmas Tree

2. Put up Christmas lights in all the windows.

3. Jog 1.5 miles

4. Lunge Daisy (my horse).

5. Stay within my calories

6. Figure out my schedule for baking Christmas Cookies this year.

7. Vacuum/Mop the Apartment

8. Organize the office so we can rearrange furniture so we actually have room for the Christmas tree.

9. Drink more water!

 

Of course there is still room in case some social events happen to pop up. I am super excited to get the apartment all decked out for Christmas.  Definitely one of my favorite times of the year, despite it being so cold outside! Just as long as we end up having white Christmas, I should be fine!

I am really hoping to be down to 188 by Monday. I am not going to have any alcohol this weekend, and I definitely need to start cutting back on the amount of sugar I have been having lately. One of the things I need to work on is having more veggies in my diet and that is going to start tonight/tomorrow as well!

What are some of your weekend goals? Sorry for such a short post today. The mind has been a little scatterbrained lately. I am going to blame the pill for making me be a little bit on the emotional side!

Monday Weigh-In and Pony Birthdays!

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Despite not making the best choices this weekend such as indulging in delicious alcoholic beverages…a little too much… (do you know there is a Gummy Bear Vodka?! Seriously, why have I not know this before?!), I have lost another 2 pounds. I have lost 4 pounds since I have gotten back from vacation. My weight? 220 even. I am so close to getting into the teens… it is almost unbearable. I cannot wait! I am only three pounds away to losing 50! 50 pounds! I will be halfway to my goal for the year at that point! Which is perfect since we are almost half way through the year… ugh. Kinda crazy to think that in a couple weeks it is going to be June! Where has the time gone? So much has changed this year that it feels like it has been a really long year but also a very short time. Does that make sense to anyone? Am I talking crazy again? Oh well! Anyway, I am thinking once I hit that 50 pound loss… I may do some sort of give away. Would people be interested in entering? I am thinking either Jillian Michael’s Unlimited, or one of her work-out DVDs, or… The Happiness Project. All things that have been motivational for me as I have lost weight! So I would love to hear your feedback on that! I really would hate to have some sort of give-away and then no one enters! :/ I mean I am sure someone would enter, but is definitely more fun when other people participate!

Today was also my wonderful horse’s birthday! She turned 8 years old. We celebrated by going on a nice ride (ok, well I celebrated that more than she did), and then indulging in some tall, very green grass. Yum! Oh and lots of cookies! She loves her treats. She has helped me through so much and has really helped with building up my confidence. And now, you can stare at her wonderfulness! Because I went a little camera crazy and just kept snapping pictures!

I love this one! Even though she seems totally unimpressed by her fly bonnet! But keeps it the bugs out of her face and ears. I know deep down she appreciates it!

She also got a new halter for her birthday! I love it when she sticks out her tongue.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nom Nom Nom! She looks so beautiful in the sunlight!

 

So that is Daisy! My now 8 year old Standardbred. Give her a round of applause for sticking with me, her crazy mom, for the past 2 years! Ha. She loves that have lost weight and can do more with her, though. She will definitely be the reason that I will not gain any of the weight back.

Also, I wanted to direct everyone to this awesome blog: HealthDemystified. He has a lot of interesting ideas and really addresses some important issues when it comes to weight loss. One of his most recent posts is about emotional eating, which I think is a super biggie! It is one I still indulge in from time to time. He is also thinking about offering a free weight loss program? at least information once he gets organized! It sounds really cool! And he is just an awesome nice guy! So I definitely think you should hop, skip, jog, crabwalk yourself over there and take a look around!

Anyway, it is Monday so I should address some weekly goals… so this is what I am thinking:

1. I want to horseback ride at least 4 – 5 times this week (it is such a good work out. I am feeling it in my legs. I have gotten so out of shape with that! But I am glad to be back in the saddle).

2. Run 5k twice this week.

3. Do my Jillian Michael’s Work out DVD at least 3 times this week (I haven’t done one of her workouts for over 2 weeks now. Not since I left for vacation. Ooops!)

Those are my 3 main goals! Lets hope I can do it!

What are your goals for this week?! Also, let me know what you think about the giveaway idea!

 

Identifying Trouble…in order to become AWESOME

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Every time I was feeling down and low, my mom always offered “What comfort food would make you feel better?” My answers ranged anywhere from a candy bar to my mom’s homemade mashed potatoes. I quickly learned that when I was sad (or just wanted to feel sad), I got tasty foods in reward. At this point in my life, I was still fairly active and did not gain too much weight. My weight gain did not truly start until the end of high school and all through college as I developed more independence and had the money to buy my own food, my own comfort.

I soon discovered I was in a horrible cycle that revolved around food and depression. You know that part in Austin Powers where Fat Bastard says “I eat because I am unhappy, and I am unhappy because I eat.” That was the cycle I was in. When I am depressed, I like things that do not require much energy to accomplish so eating out solved all my problems: convenient, quick, low energy. Something about the salt and grease just eased my emotions for just a little bit. As in, I felt fantastic for the all 10 minutes it took me to devour whatever the heck I was eating, whether it was a greasy burger from a fast food joint or 4 servings of Chinese food. Those 10 minutes were heaven…until after I was done eating. None of the food I ate made me happy afterwards. I felt gross. My skin felt greasy. I became lethargic and sleepy. I blamed the depression when I should have actually been blaming the food.

I knew I needed to change. I was going up through sizes faster than I could blink (ok, maybe not THAT fast but it was pretty darn fast). Before I knew it, I was a size 18. A size I swore up and down I would never reach.  I promised myself I would not exceed that 18, and though I came very close to doing so and wore a lot of sweatpants ALL THE TIME, I never bought a size 20 pant. I cut back on the eating out so it was not so every day, and more like every week, but it was still enough to keep me from gaining too much more but not making me lose any. I hated how I felt and how I looked. My self esteem was rock bottom. I didn’t even know why people would want to be my friend. I was a sad, lazy excuse for a human being. Those types of thoughts did not motivate me to make a change though. What finally motivated me to make the change was realizing other people were losing weight and succeeding everywhere! It was something that could be changed, and it was amazing how happier they seemed.

“That could be me,” I smiled with glee as I studied how they made the change. First step, BUY A SCALE. I was trying to lose weight for YEARS without even owning a scale. I had no idea what my weight was doing. If I felt like I had done some exercise that day, I ruined all the exercise by eating way more than I should. So that’s what I did. I bought a scale and got on it that first day and almost fainted. 267! How could I have let it get that bad! I promised my body I would never make it carry that much weight again. No wonder I was tired all the time.

Step two, stop browsing all the aisles of the grocery store. Your new best friends are the areas around the aisles. Fresh produce, fresh meat, dairy. I do admit that when I first started my journey, I relied on frozen meals from Lean Cuisine, but they are full of sodium, but they did help me stay conscience of serving sizes. I was eating way more serving sizes than I was supposed to. It should have not been such an eye opener that you do not have to fill a giant plate with carbohydrates and meat to have a satisfying dinner, but sadly it was a huge eye opener. Read the packages carefully. Just making small cut backs in your cereal (did you know most people consume more cereal than they are supposed to every morning? A cup does not equal a bowl).

Step three, small changes. Do not change your diet completely over night (unless you are seriously one of those people who can go completely cold turkey. I am not one of those people). Example, I used to have 4 teaspoons of sugar in my coffee EVERY morning. That is 60 calories that really did nothing for me. I cut back to 2 teaspoons for about a month. The next month, I went down to 1 teaspoon. Then by the next month, I did not have any sugar at all. You do not want to deprive yourself so you do not stick to a new eating plan. A lot of people believe you have to give up all your favorite dishes to lose weight. Though you may have to give up SOME (such as fast food), there are a lot of healthy ways to make your favorites.

Now if you are an emotional eater such as myself, you need to clear out your kitchen that may trigger an emotional binge. Get rid of the chocolate. Get rid of the ice cream. I instead replaced these goodies with other alternatives. I do have some Skinny Cow Ice Cream bars in the freezer on those nights I really do need to satisfy my sweet tooth. I have Vegan Boca burgers that are quick to heat up when I become down and do not feel like cooking. This keeps me from ordering out. For those that refuse to eat a veggie burger, pre-made turkey patties are just as good.

Identify your triggers and causes for overeating. Stay aware of your body. This does not mean you will never have a set back, but it helps when you do not set yourself up for failure! Every morning wake up and smile and know that you are in control of your day. You may not be able to control what happens around, but you can control what you put in your mouth. It will be a struggle, but nothing worth having does not come without some kind of fight.