We Are All Just a Bunch of Walking Heads


Meditation was very interesting to partake in. There actually was a lot of new students at the class so I wonder if this feeling of directionless and stress is going around. The one thing about meditation is trying to be more aware of how your body changes in response to your thoughts. Those feeling of anxiety and depression change the way you breathe, how your muscles tense, and many other things. Sometimes you just need to be an observer of what is happening to you instead of being so caught up in the brain and thoughts. This is something I really need to work on. My destructive emotions are unchecked and running amok. My biggest is being guilt and shame with a mix of depression. I do not feel like I do enough for people and I am always letting people down. I keep pushing myself to be better, to be perfect, and hold myself to these incredibly high standards that quickly come crashing down as soon as I mess up (which I am bound to do because hello, I am human). This goes the same with weight loss. I am either super strict or I am sabotaging myself. It is very hard for me to be in the middle which is something I really want to improve on.

Anyway it is Monday so that means weekly goals! Here we go:

  1. Weigh in on Friday. Be down to 204.
  2. Run 3x this week.
  3. Ride my horse 3x this week.
  4. Despite it being my birthday week, have sugary sweets in moderation.
  5. Keep the blogging up, yo!

That’s right. You heard it. My birthday falls on Labor Day this year so I get a 3-Day weekend in my honor. You’re welcome. I really have no plans in the works besides the Taylor Swift shin-dig on Sunday so if you have any ideas of fun birthday activities to do, let me know! It might include visiting a vineyard, going on a 40 mile bike ride, visiting a mountain town (though they are probably going to be packed for the weekend). I am kind of bummed I did not realize Frontier was having such AMAZING deals on travel. I would have booked a $20 ticket to Vegas. Ah well, maybe next year. I know I want a balance of exploring as well as relaxing as chilling. Which is a hard thing for me to do (again with the whole all or nothing balance thing). So give me your ideas.

What is your week looking like?

What is an emotion you want to focus on accepting and leaving your body?

How many licks does it take to get to a center of a tootsie pop? Curious minds want to know!

Meanwhile, stare at this picture. Doesn’t it just make you feel inspired? This is definitely one of my favorite places.


I Need a “Be My Friend” Card – Like a Business Card but With More Awesome


Moving has been rough. Once it all sank in and things started to fall into place and the novelty sort of wore out, I began really missing my friends. I have friends scattered all over the United States (a couple in Canada, hello there neighbor!) and despite being surrounded by a lot of nice people, I craved that familiarity. I missed Thursday night game night. Drinking wine and watching Grey’s and lamenting over all the cool people dying and the main character complaining. I have never been one who has been great at making a lot of friends. I tend to stick to a close knit group and I love it. I do not need lots and lots of friends. I just need a select few of creative individuals that I can call over for a marathon of trashy television. Is that so much to ask for?


I seriously feel like instead of passing out Business Cards, I need to have will you be my friend card. Like hey, you are an awesome person. Lets have coffee sometime! Or a glass of wine. I know it’s before 11AM but you only live once, right? I am not sure what my motto would be yet. Something mystical but full of mystery. Maybe you can even help me come up with one! Wouldn’t that just be AMAZING? I know that is exactly what you are thinking. Who doesn’t want to be a motto-inventor?

So that is currently my state of mind. A feeling of loneliness from a lack of a close connection. My priorities just feel all over the place. My husband and I decided to check out some Meet Up groups in the area. Meet Up is a fancy site, yo. I am hoping we cross paths with some awesome folk. Maybe I will even have a business card all made up. Who has a motto? Bonus points if it includes unicorns.

And go!

Get Off Me, Woman; I Don’t Want Your Cookies

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It’s the most wonderful time of the year… with holiday baking, and more holiday baking, and possibly some cheer? *clink coffee mug* I fucking love Christmas. Like it’s a serious thing. I love looking at Christmas lights. I love getting together and watching Holiday movies (Home Alone? The Santa Clause? National Lampoons Christmas Vacation? Can I get a w00t woot?!) I even LOVE baking Christmas cookies to give away (my gingerbread are to die for — seriously). The thing is I am trying not to eat a Christmas cookie every damn day. I have a plan, and I am trying super hard to stick with it. Like seriously hard. Like when I walk in the kitchen and see the cookies, I twitch a little. And then there is my mom and sister…

272You see, we moved with my mom and sister. I gave them a choice and they decided to follow us across country. We told them they could stay with us and pay rent until they learned their way around (which hasn’t been going so great but that’s a WHOLE other can of worms). Anyway, they LOVE sweets. Seriously. That is all they eat. They are one of those “vegetarians” that just eat sweets and simple carbs. I know what you are saying… educate them, do stuff with them… I DO. It just doesn’t matter what I say or do. So they have been making cookies. And then trying to get me to eat them. I politely said no, I just did not have it in my plan that day…. but they asked like 10 times (not exaggerating) and kept being pushy. What does it take for them to respect me and my choices?

By the end of the day, I was pretty much as frustrated as Michael Scott once he learned Toby was back. Come on people. I do not want your cookies. I know they are delicious. I have had numerous amounts of cookies in my life (Hello, I weighed over 260 pounds and that did not happen from eating broccoli). The thing is I need to remove myself from sweets for awhile so I no longer crave them. That’s just how my brain works… once I am over the 2 week hump, I will be better. I will have more self control. Right now, one cookie = a dozen cookies and I just cannot do that anymore. I am flushing all my hard work at the gym down the toilet and it is feeling like I am being slapped by toilet water every time I do. This cycle must end.

So what are your thoughts about Holiday YumYums and Dealing with People who Just want you to eat the Damn Cookies?!

Quick Post Before Bed…


Despite a low activity day today, I still stayed within my calories even eating a 3oz steak! Yum! Tomorrow will be a much more active day since I will be walking around campus in between classes and then going to the gym. Tomorrow is treadmill day and my goal is to reach the 3 mile mark! 

Stay tune, tomorrow I am also going to be writing up a post about fad diets! I am so excited to become a nutritionist! How was everyone’s Tuesday? You feeling good about this week?

A Long Time Coming…


Hi folks! I know, I know. You are wondering “Who is this strange beast that has come up suddenly on my reading list?” Yes, I realize. I have been sporadic and gone for long periods of time, but I miss you guys. Sincerely. I am hoping you will take me back as I search to get re-motivated and tell you all about my wonderful weight loss (that has been neither wonderful or loss lately… more emphasis on the weight). During my vacation to Disneyland and getting the flu right afterwards, I managed to gain 10 pounds.


Pounds. 5 weeks of work gone in 2 weeks. But, I did not get depressed my friends. No. I did not. I got motivated. I got a FitBit! I started going to the gym regularly and I made some freaking goals. My weight is currently at 188 after a week and a half of getting back on track and going to the gym 3 times a week and horseback riding 2 to 3 times a week. My Fitbit definitely helps keep me motivated and aware of my activity throughout the day. Even if I do not have a big work out, I still manage to go on walks because I want my step count to go up!

School has been busy, but I have actually been thriving in it. My grades are fairly stable, and I am looking at ending the semester with a pretty nice GPA. Also on the horizon, I am planning on having my very first show season with my horse. Hopefully everything goes well there, and it is good motivation to keep me active and working towards strengthening the bond between woman and horse. Or something like that.

For weight loss, my goal is to lose 1.5 – 2 pounds a week by Friday.

For the gym, I want to get my work out time to 50 minutes. And run 3 miles on the treadmill.

I want to stay within my calorie goal and also detox from refined sugars starting today. 

What are your plans for the week? Lets keep each other motivated!

I also plan on blogging more — so prepare yourself! The crazy may possibly be back.

Weekend Accomplishments


Well right now, my arms and body are sore.

I have no idea what my weight is today because my scale is on the fritz.

And I did not count calories all weekend, though I was always consciously aware of what I was putting in the ol’ piehole.


So what did happen this weekend?

The husband and I rearranged the furniture in the office so we would have room for the tree.

We got rid of some clutter for good.

We walked across a Christmas Tree Farm in the cold to find the perfect tree.

Cut it down ourselves.

Dragged it on a sled.

Set it up at home and put lights around it.

Danced and played Fruit Ninja with the new Kinect system we got for the XBOX 360 (What a work out!)

And got Holiday Pictures taken!

So I didn’t get everything I want accomplished done, but I still feel like the weekend was very productive.

How did you guys do this weekend? Any triumphs you care to share?



So Many Changes!


Sometimes, I don’t realize how much has changed in the past year. I have been constantly on the go since my father passed away last year, and I really have not taken time to sit back and think on everything. For some reason, if I am not accomplishing a lot, I feel like I am all of a sudden a complete failure. Gosh, I am such a drama queen sometimes. Ok, I am not too much of a drama queen because I don’t really like drama so that’s definitely not the right term for it. But, the whole not accomplishing thing is huge because I have accomplished way more in a year that I should be proud of. I am not at my goal yet, but I have done so much to set a foundation for a successful life. I got off my lazy ass and actually did stuff this year and just because I am a little gimpy right now does not undo everything. I am not falling into old habits. I am not the same girl I was last year.

See, last year at this time, I would not feel bad for spending all day on the couch. I mean a little part of me always felt bad about spending all day on the couch watching movies but I just silenced those thoughts with a big container of Chinese take out. Ha, take that bad thoughts. Then I would lie there all day with my big full belly and let my mind become complete mush. I had very little energy to do anything. Even the thought of activity wore me out. All the while, I was watching my dad sink further away from me as he succumbed to brain cancer. Watching someone you love die slowly and painfully (despite the pain medications, it never looked good), is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. All last year, I was a complete ghost to myself. My world was crumbling around me. I was losing one of the most important people in my life, and all I could do was watch. As soon as he passed on, I started running from the pain. I took care of my mom and have been watching out for her since, took care of some of my dad’s things, and I took control of my health. I definitely needed control. I hated how out of control I felt that whole entire year. Not being able to do a single thing to save my dad’s life. The one life I could save, though, was my own.

Two months after my dad’s passing, I changed my diet completely. I bought a scale and started exercising more frequently. In 8 months, I have lost over 60 pounds. I have lost almost 25% of my original body weight. That’s insane! In this year, I have run 4 miles, gone horseback riding more frequently than I have in my entire life, hiked up 3 mountains and gone on 2 really long walks, gone swimming in the ocean, laid out on the beach in a large bathing suit (not extra large!), looked in a dressing room mirror and was not ashamed of what I saw, got married, wore dresses (sometimes just because!), could go on all the amusement park rides and was not held back due to my size, dropped almost 6 pant sizes, and started this awesome blog where I met an amazing community. That’s a lot to do in one year! I also know what I want to be when “I grow up” and have everything in order for me to go back to school for the Spring semester. I have set the foundation for success, and it makes sense for there to be minor hiccups on the journey… but I have to remember the big picture.

I am on an amazing journey right now. I may never make it to some set destination, and I am slowly starting to be fine with that. I need to remember to appreciate all the small steps that lead to the really big steps.

Big thank you to all you wonderful bloggers. Also thank you to Erika @ My Recovery Diary for the beautiful inspirational award and all her sweet words. They brought a tear to my eye, but also helped make me realize just how much I have accomplished. I am not a failure, and I will be back on track very soon.

So this is my lesson to you… shit bad stuff happens, but keep your eye on the beautiful bigger picture. I am sure even the best masterpieces were not perfect the first time. You just never see the rough drafts.